jimmy jamesDeath, Grief, & Heartache
July 31st 2008 18:49
When my father died, it was almost a spiritual experience. I felt a sense of strength even though it was a great loss. I had some regrets of the past when we went almost two years without any contact. However, I was there for him at the end, taking him to his doctor appointments. I knew deep down that he was near death and it was a painful experience that for some reason I had a great deal of acceptance.
The band that I was in at the time was playing in a club not too far from the hospital where he was getting his treatments. He was on oxygen; it was not in his best interest to enter the club. One night as I was loading my drums into the club, my mom and dad pulled up in front of the club. My dad was in the passenger seat and he wanted to come in to hear the band. It brought back memories of all the auditions he took me to when I was just a teenager. He was always supportive and very proud of my talent for drums.
He said he wanted to come into the club, but there was too much smoking going on outside, the smoke drifted into the club, making it dangerous for him to come in. The look on his face when he realized he could not go in really tugged at my heart. We both knew this was his last chance to see me play. As they drove away, I felt a feeling of sorrow yet an acceptance that made me comprehend the meaning of impermanence.
This year I lost a brother and a brother-in law. Their deaths were sudden. The shock kept me numb for about two weeks until the pain started to seep in. It is ironic how things unfold. I would have never guessed things would turn out this way. During this time, a three-year relationship started to deteriorate. I needed to deal with one thing at a time, talk about bad timing.
Death is inevitable, but the relationship was rocky from the start. We first met 30 years ago and dated for a while. It was a very stormy relationship and it didn’t end well . She contacted me 3 years ago and we began to see each other again. She was just coming out of a 20 year marriage. The relationship seemed to pick up where we left off. We fought often, and each time we decided to call it quits, we would get back together again. At first, it did not bother me when we split. Then, something happened. She began to become more important in my life. I fell for her and it was too late. That is when the trouble began to get exceedingly worse. Even though she tried her best to meet my needs, it started to wear her down. She could not do it. Her 20 year marriage took it’s toll and she had yet to begin the healing process, compounded by issues from her past.
Even though I have been clean and sober for a little while, there were defects in my character that I needed to come to terms with. In so many ways, I was not ready to be in any relationship. Even though I am devastated that we have split up, it was a learning experience that helped me see the truth in myself.
One of the biggest mistakes we made was to try and start the relationship up again. One would think that people change in 30 years, however more often than not, if a relationship didn’t work 30 years ago, it isn’t going to work now. In our case, both of us never really changed. But we were under the illusion that it could work.
Needless to say, I am heartbroken. I can not tell which feeling is which. Am I grieving for my brother and brother-in law, or is it both grief and heartache I am feeling about her?
These emotions are stronger than anything I ever felt before. The only way I know how to deal with this is to use my supports. I am reaching out for help like someone that is fighting for their life. In fact, I am fighting for my life. This can lead to a huge fall, where I will crash and burn: ( I have crashed and burned too many times, I don’t have another one left in me ).
I am keeping a positive attitude by faking it until I make it. I wont let myself get caught up in the negativity, because that has never produced positive results. That sort of thinking can lead to delusion and situations become muddy. That type of muddled thinking is what got me in this whole mess to begin with. When your thinking is clear, you can see situations like these coming down the pike and avoid them, saving you and perhaps the other person a great deal of pain. Then again, maybe it had to happen this way in order for us to grow.
The cold hard truth of my relations with her has forced me to come to the painful conclusion that she isn’t right for me. I am constantly battling back and forth on this. Just when I come to a decision, I change my mind. I can’t seem to let her go. Three years is a long time.
The old saying rings true, time heals all wounds. The deaths in my family are another step in my recovery. Just like the death of my father, it will lead me to a different place. I will become stronger, and move on to the next level. It’s just like a video game. You can’t move onto the next level until you finish the level you are on. I just need to put one foot in front of the other and continue down the road I am on.
My brother- in law came to visit me to give his sympathy about my brother. An hour later I was looking at him lying in the hospital dead.
It is freaky to be that close to death. I sometimes wonder why I am still here. After all the things I did while using drugs and booze. After a suicide attempt that should have killed me. I do not understand why I am still here.
I am sure that will be revealed to me in time. So, my mission, if I choose to accept it, is to follow this road until I come to another crossroads. A mission of strength and hope. A mission of mercy.
He said he wanted to come into the club, but there was too much smoking going on outside, the smoke drifted into the club, making it dangerous for him to come in. The look on his face when he realized he could not go in really tugged at my heart. We both knew this was his last chance to see me play. As they drove away, I felt a feeling of sorrow yet an acceptance that made me comprehend the meaning of impermanence.
This year I lost a brother and a brother-in law. Their deaths were sudden. The shock kept me numb for about two weeks until the pain started to seep in. It is ironic how things unfold. I would have never guessed things would turn out this way. During this time, a three-year relationship started to deteriorate. I needed to deal with one thing at a time, talk about bad timing.
Even though I have been clean and sober for a little while, there were defects in my character that I needed to come to terms with. In so many ways, I was not ready to be in any relationship. Even though I am devastated that we have split up, it was a learning experience that helped me see the truth in myself.
One of the biggest mistakes we made was to try and start the relationship up again. One would think that people change in 30 years, however more often than not, if a relationship didn’t work 30 years ago, it isn’t going to work now. In our case, both of us never really changed. But we were under the illusion that it could work.
Needless to say, I am heartbroken. I can not tell which feeling is which. Am I grieving for my brother and brother-in law, or is it both grief and heartache I am feeling about her?
These emotions are stronger than anything I ever felt before. The only way I know how to deal with this is to use my supports. I am reaching out for help like someone that is fighting for their life. In fact, I am fighting for my life. This can lead to a huge fall, where I will crash and burn: ( I have crashed and burned too many times, I don’t have another one left in me ).
I am keeping a positive attitude by faking it until I make it. I wont let myself get caught up in the negativity, because that has never produced positive results. That sort of thinking can lead to delusion and situations become muddy. That type of muddled thinking is what got me in this whole mess to begin with. When your thinking is clear, you can see situations like these coming down the pike and avoid them, saving you and perhaps the other person a great deal of pain. Then again, maybe it had to happen this way in order for us to grow.
The cold hard truth of my relations with her has forced me to come to the painful conclusion that she isn’t right for me. I am constantly battling back and forth on this. Just when I come to a decision, I change my mind. I can’t seem to let her go. Three years is a long time.
The old saying rings true, time heals all wounds. The deaths in my family are another step in my recovery. Just like the death of my father, it will lead me to a different place. I will become stronger, and move on to the next level. It’s just like a video game. You can’t move onto the next level until you finish the level you are on. I just need to put one foot in front of the other and continue down the road I am on.
My brother- in law came to visit me to give his sympathy about my brother. An hour later I was looking at him lying in the hospital dead.
It is freaky to be that close to death. I sometimes wonder why I am still here. After all the things I did while using drugs and booze. After a suicide attempt that should have killed me. I do not understand why I am still here.
I am sure that will be revealed to me in time. So, my mission, if I choose to accept it, is to follow this road until I come to another crossroads. A mission of strength and hope. A mission of mercy.
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