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Death, Grief, & Heartache

July 31st 2008 18:49


When my father died, it was almost a spiritual experience. I felt a sense of strength even though it was a great loss. I had some regrets of the past when we went almost two years without any contact. However, I was there for him at the end, taking him to his doctor appointments. I knew deep down that he was near death and it was a painful experience that for some reason I had a great deal of acceptance.

The band that I was in at the time was playing in a club not too far from the hospital where he was getting his treatments. He was on oxygen; it was not in his best interest to enter the club. One night as I was loading my drums into the club, my mom and dad pulled up in front of the club. My dad was in the passenger seat and he wanted to come in to hear the band. It brought back memories of all the auditions he took me to when I was just a teenager. He was always supportive and very proud of my talent for drums.
He said he wanted to come into the club, but there was too much smoking going on outside, the smoke drifted into the club, making it dangerous for him to come in. The look on his face when he realized he could not go in really tugged at my heart. We both knew this was his last chance to see me play. As they drove away, I felt a feeling of sorrow yet an acceptance that made me comprehend the meaning of impermanence.
This year I lost a brother and a brother-in law. Their deaths were sudden. The shock kept me numb for about two weeks until the pain started to seep in. It is ironic how things unfold. I would have never guessed things would turn out this way. During this time, a three-year relationship started to deteriorate. I needed to deal with one thing at a time, talk about bad timing.

Death is inevitable, but the relationship was rocky from the start. We first met 30 years ago and dated for a while. It was a very stormy relationship and it didn’t end well . She contacted me 3 years ago and we began to see each other again. She was just coming out of a 20 year marriage. The relationship seemed to pick up where we left off. We fought often, and each time we decided to call it quits, we would get back together again. At first, it did not bother me when we split. Then, something happened. She began to become more important in my life. I fell for her and it was too late. That is when the trouble began to get exceedingly worse. Even though she tried her best to meet my needs, it started to wear her down. She could not do it. Her 20 year marriage took it’s toll and she had yet to begin the healing process, compounded by issues from her past.
Even though I have been clean and sober for a little while, there were defects in my character that I needed to come to terms with. In so many ways, I was not ready to be in any relationship. Even though I am devastated that we have split up, it was a learning experience that helped me see the truth in myself.
One of the biggest mistakes we made was to try and start the relationship up again. One would think that people change in 30 years, however more often than not, if a relationship didn’t work 30 years ago, it isn’t going to work now. In our case, both of us never really changed. But we were under the illusion that it could work.
Needless to say, I am heartbroken. I can not tell which feeling is which. Am I grieving for my brother and brother-in law, or is it both grief and heartache I am feeling about her?
These emotions are stronger than anything I ever felt before. The only way I know how to deal with this is to use my supports. I am reaching out for help like someone that is fighting for their life. In fact, I am fighting for my life. This can lead to a huge fall, where I will crash and burn: ( I have crashed and burned too many times, I don’t have another one left in me ).
I am keeping a positive attitude by faking it until I make it. I wont let myself get caught up in the negativity, because that has never produced positive results. That sort of thinking can lead to delusion and situations become muddy. That type of muddled thinking is what got me in this whole mess to begin with. When your thinking is clear, you can see situations like these coming down the pike and avoid them, saving you and perhaps the other person a great deal of pain. Then again, maybe it had to happen this way in order for us to grow.
The cold hard truth of my relations with her has forced me to come to the painful conclusion that she isn’t right for me. I am constantly battling back and forth on this. Just when I come to a decision, I change my mind. I can’t seem to let her go. Three years is a long time.
The old saying rings true, time heals all wounds. The deaths in my family are another step in my recovery. Just like the death of my father, it will lead me to a different place. I will become stronger, and move on to the next level. It’s just like a video game. You can’t move onto the next level until you finish the level you are on. I just need to put one foot in front of the other and continue down the road I am on.
My brother- in law came to visit me to give his sympathy about my brother. An hour later I was looking at him lying in the hospital dead.
It is freaky to be that close to death. I sometimes wonder why I am still here. After all the things I did while using drugs and booze. After a suicide attempt that should have killed me. I do not understand why I am still here.

I am sure that will be revealed to me in time. So, my mission, if I choose to accept it, is to follow this road until I come to another crossroads. A mission of strength and hope. A mission of mercy.
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Self Sabotage

July 30th 2008 18:12
For Christy-Ann,

The pain of shooting myself in the foot isn’t as bad as the realization and regrets that I have for taking a beautiful relationship, and all the possibilities we had and smashing it to pieces. I now see the truth in the part I played, and it is too late to say I’m sorry. Even though my words and actions haven’t showed it, there will always be a place in my heart for you.




shot in the foot self sabotage


A while back, I was at a 12 step meeting and listened to an addict talking about staying away from crack cocaine. He had been clean for a short period of time and was sharing his thought process when he was craving the drug. He mentioned how the thought popped into his mind and he was unable to control it.The craving turned into an obsession and he started to plot how he would try and get money to support his habit. His mind raced through the possibilities so quickly, he started to get a queasy feeling in his stomach.The only way for him to obtain any money was to steal it, and then go to a dangerous neighborhood to score, a place where he once had a gun to his head from an angry dealer. He then was able to come to a conclusion that he wasn’t thinking right and he needed to call someone for support. He did call a friend in the program and he talked it out. That just may have saved his life. He said something that has stuck with me 16 years later: ‘My brain is out to kill me.”


It has always been a mystery how the mind works. In the case of substance abuse, it is very difficult to control the thoughts of using, which explains why the success rate is very low in addicts and alcoholics.This sort of thought process spills over into other areas in their life. Personal relationships are always a struggle because the thinking is often skewed, jumping to conclusions by perceiving things that aren’t there.This behavior is repeated over and over until the pain becomes so great, that a realization comes that it is their own thoughts and actions that often get them into situations (or out of relationships) that make their lives unmanageable.They are unable to see why things always go wrong and blame others for the negative outcome.Even though their intentions are good, they end up losing every time. Just like the realization that their drug of choice has ruined their life, they need to come to the same type of acceptance that their behavior is often dysfunctional. Pain is a great motivator; unfortunately they don’t realize it until the damage has been done.
It is very difficult to let things go. I always thought that it was impossible for me to come to terms with the words and actions of others. Those unreasonable thoughts are the main cause of my problems. When someone says something, my brain is moving so fast to try and figure out what is being said, it often processes the information in a negative way, causing a negative reaction that often pushes people away. Looking back in my life, I can see where this has caused me a great deal of pain. It is so difficult to admit that I have a thinking problem that has caused me a great deal of pain over the years. So many opportunities lost, so many relationships ruined to the point of no recourse, so much anger and resentment towards those that I have blamed, that were in fact innocent. So many people that had nothing but my best interest in mind were pushed away and hurt. The spiritual experience is the awareness that this is going on, as painful as it may be. It is like a slap in the face as the cold hard truth is finally revealed.
For me, there is always a situation that takes place that causes me to see these glaring behaviors, and it is all due to my thinking. Getting control of my thoughts that lead to my actions needs a major overhaul; otherwise I will repeat the same behavior again. The pain and guilt has become the turning point.
I guess it is a learning experience. Unfortunately, there is always a great deal of damage done to the people we care for the most. But in the end, we are the ones that suffer by self sabotage. I am tired of shooting myself in the foot.


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Obsession

July 29th 2008 17:15
obsession

Obsession can rule your life. It is probably among the top five behaviors, along with resentment, anger, fear, and pride that can be devastating. These emotions can be the primary cause of obsessive thoughts. Trying to chase a thought out that keeps playing over in your mind can be exhaustive. There are many ways to deal with obsession, but the only way these work is by constant vigilance.
There are those that claim that keeping busy, even with the most mundane tasks can help get your mind off the obsession. My experience has been both negative and positive with keeping busy. Work is a four letter word for me. I truly wish I was obsessed with some sort of “career”. I can’t relate to those that are workaholics. They are fortunate that they have found something to be passionate about, but it can also be a way of not dealing with painful feelings. The obsessions that I get are always very unhealthy and dangerous to my recovery. I was doing landscaping during a difficult time in my life, and one day my job was to weed a huge garden. Not only was it extremely hot that day, but it was the kind of mindless work that is great for letting those thoughts get way out of control. I felt as though I was in a prison of my own deep dark thoughts with no way out. I even experienced a few mild panic attacks and the only way I could deal with it was to take a break and go get a drink of water. I thought that taking a break would help clear my thoughts, but I realized that those thoughts followed me wherever I went. It’s the old saying that “No matter where you go, there you are“. There is no escape and everything you try seems to fail. Alcohol, cocaine, and weed were once old friends that I could count on to pull me through, but there came a point where even they let me down, in fact they made it worse by magnifying the thoughts 10 fold.
That’s where I came to the crossroads. I didn’t want to live, and I didn’t want to die. The choice of moving in the direction of living in the solution, or to continue down the road that leads to endless suffering, and eventually death.
Finding something that you like to do is very important. It helps by reminding you that you can become who you were always meant to be. Some folks find this by trying things that they never tried before. This is very empowering and can be the spark that you need to rise up and change your life and live it the way you want to.
Obsession can lead to another dangerous emotion such as jealousy. This is perhaps one feeling that is the most dangerous to us, and to others. It tortures us with the thoughts that are uncontrollable and difficult to identify until it passes. It sometimes seems as though we go through a blackout. These thoughts come to life by our imagination running wild. Some of the scenarios may not be true, and that is bad enough, but when they are true, it can lead to a rage. Certain relationships with the opposite sex can trigger these feelings almost instantly. Certain people can be toxic to us, and we need to identify who those people are and try and avoid them before it is too late. Otherwise, we end up falling for them and get hurt. Talk about falling into a huge pit of despair, heartache, rejection, sorrow, grief, anger, confusion, resentment, and self pity, a very potent cocktail ( Hee-Hee, I said cock!) That never has good results. These people may not be aware that what they say makes us crazy. On the other hand, revealing these feelings to them may cause them to play on it, especially if they are emotionally confused as well. Two sick people don’t make a well person.
Obsession can also take other forms. Gambling, sex, shopping, pornography, booze and drugs, just to name a few. It can seep into every part of our lives and make it unmanageable.
Like all feelings and thoughts that can hurt us, we need to be aware of the pitfalls. We need to be able to take control of our thoughts and not “fall asleep” and let our brain go on cruise control. Do whatever works for you. Just don’t give in to the feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. The results are never positive and we are the ones that always suffer.

Keep the faith
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Emotional Rescue

July 29th 2008 02:37
Emotions


During the course of a minute, my brain is processing so much information at lightening speed. It actually makes my head spin. It’s like four seasons in one day, especially if there is a lot going on in my life. Back in the 90’s, I was hospitalized four times in a three month period, all in the same facility. It was my home away from home. The staff used to have this group every afternoon that was designed to help patients cope with their illness by attempting to educate them. There we were, listening to a woman wearing cheap costume jewelry talk about how stress can cause depression. So, if stress causes depression, one would think that you need to cut out as much stress in your life. That isn’t always possible for some people. The key is realizing when the emotions are rising, and be aware that you are heading for a storm. Although back in 1996, that storm lasted for almost ten years and tore apart a perfectly good marriage. The main problem may be fighting these natural emotions. If you let those feelings and thoughts get the best of you, it can lead to a fall into a deep whole that you may never get out of. This is the point where the pain is so bad, that some actually take their lives. I have tried to take my life several times, none of which were successful: At least as far as I know.

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The cart before the horse

July 20th 2008 06:11


When somebody says something that is hurtful, it is very easy to lash out at them and try to make them feel the same way they made you feel. It is as if the pain is so bad, there is no end, and there is no relief from lashing out. It seems like there is no where to go, but to feel the anger and resentment.
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He aint heavy, he's my brother

July 14th 2008 19:55
my brother died


I lost my brother last week. The cause of death has yet to be determined. We may never know how he died. It was sudden and it came as a shock. A day later, my brother-in law died of a heart attack.

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You are what you is

July 7th 2008 16:45


It always baffled me how some people can go through the everyday mundane BS and get a sense of satisfaction from it. They are able to get up in the morning and do what they have to do. It is almost as though it drives them, the same thing over and over. It drives me too. It drives me F - - - - ing crazy. It wears me down. I know a guy that is retired and is all freaked out because he doesn't know what to do with himself during the day. He was in a line of work he really enjoyed and now he is lost. I offered to show him how to retire and do nothing (For a one time fee of course with monthly installments)

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Anger turned inside out

July 4th 2008 13:15
anger resentment rage


Anger can be a devastating emotion, especially to those that are in recovery from alcohol and or drugs. The fuel feeds the fire that can lead to actions that we may later regret. When it comes on, we feel the need to act out to relieve the conflict inside us. Most of the time we just lash out expecting to feel better, almost like a knee-jerk reaction to things that twist us up. The most dangerous part of anger is resentment. Resentments are like anger over and over again, reliving the anger, playing it over in our heads like a broken record, nothing seems to make it stop. That is where the anger can turn to rage. Talk about devastation. Some of us can actually go into blackouts from the rage. It seems to come out of nowhere because the next thing we know, we are acting out on those deep dark thoughts that roll around in our head. I am sure we have all heard that depression is anger turned inward, that may or may not be true. Most of the time, anger is brought on by fear. A fear of facing something that we don’t want to face, or a fear of not knowing where we are going in our lives, economic insecurity, growing up, they are all driven by fear. Not being in control and not knowing what is going to happen next can terrorize us. It is very easy to say to someone that is going through a great deal of anger, “let it go, why are you holding on to this? Don’t let it get the best of you”. And then something happens to us and we realize that we should follow our own advice. Whenever I hear somebody talking about their anger, I listen very close to what they are saying and I always find that I can relate to them in so many ways. You‘re experiences are your own. I never tell someone to get over his or her resentments for numerous reasons. First, it does not really help anyone, I know it never helped me, and second, I do not want to get my teeth knocked out!
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Be conscious of the subconscious

July 1st 2008 03:01

Feelings come and they go. So do thoughts and emotions. This is something that we all fight with, those days when our thoughts are moving a mile a minute. There isn’t a remedy to stop these thoughts. They are constantly moving and flowing like water. The problem lies in trying to stop the thought process. Our minds are always moving, even when we sleep. There have been all kinds of research on what the brain is processing when we are sleeping. One conclusion that some psychologists have come to is the brain can’t understand what is going on when we are sleeping, so it just processes abstract information. That explains why our dreams are sometimes like a Stephen King movie.
The subconscious is a funny thing. It can only remember events as they first happened. In other words, when we think of something that occurred 20 years ago, it can still be as painful as if it just happened. The subconscious has no past, present, or future. Giving into all the events going on in our subconscious mind can easily feed the fire of anger, resentment, and fear that always leads into a depression. It is very easy to fall into that trap. We sometimes hear the phrase “Getting some closure” on something that was traumatic in our lives. That phrase can be misinterpreted. It can give the delusion that we will someday wake up and rise from our bed and never, ever be weighed down by those horrible memories again. What really happens over the course of time ( in my own personal experience) is an acceptance of what happened by coming to realize that the thoughts are always going to be there, but they don’t stay as long and they don’t have the weight they once had. There are things that pop up in my mind during the course of a day that I thought I had already dealt with, and it can make me laugh to think how I can still be steaming mad about something somebody said to me 25 years ago. That is the subconscious mind. It still thinks it is 25 years ago.

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