jimmy jamesBattle For Peace
July 31st 2009 04:35
Lord don't let there be
A battle for peace
Inside of me
There's always a war.
Unless I can change
There's nothing to see.
Inside of me
This past year has been one of being stuck in a pattern that is difficult to get out of. It’s funny; a feeling of needing to move on yet the energy to do so isn’t there. Seems as if that energy is nonexistent. Staying stagnant, living off of days long ago but not moving forward. Another opportunity to move forward presents itself. I’ve got to take this chance and run with it to see where it leads. I have never been down this path before. Is it new light to show me the way? Fear.
The dreams are so vivid, yet obscure enough to have only hazy memories. Are they speaking to me to get my attention? Now that I have given all my attention, where do I go from here? What I think it is might really not be. A self inflicted illusion. Carry on. When ever the thoughts drift off carry on and don’t look back.
When I was a boy everything seemed so wrong. Nothing lined up, nothing made sense. Bad timing. Fast forward to the present day where the same things are happening. The suns shadows look the same, the sound of a distant lawnmower brings up feelings that I never thought I would feel ever again. But they always come back. Thoughts constantly moving. Never know who is going to show up on certain days. The thought process is where the problem lies. Sat on the beach. Felt the heat, smelled the salt air and the definite smell of marijuana. There is no getting away from it. The smell of beer and pot brings up even more feelings on top of the others. Layer upon layer. Like an onion.
Sitting all alone with my head pounding. I wish the waves were bigger so they could drown out the pounding in my head. Feels as though I am invisible. I go through my daily routine and feel invisible. Pride.
Picking up on meetings. That’s all I know how to do when it gets like this. Keeps me afloat. Keeps me out of danger. Keeps me out of the hospital. Impatient? After 4 f---ing years away from a drink and a drug? Impatient? I will face this alone. I have to. Nobody else can go through it. Nobody can really even help because it is what I need to go through. I like being alone. I got real good at it in the lost years. I grew back then. Even though it may not seem so, what I went through was what I needed to go through to get to where I am today. Kinda like getting kicked up the stairs. Ouch.
I say a prayer for the still suffering. I am grateful for the gift of sobriety. Things could be worse. Things have been worse. That is my perspective.
Thank you for letting me share. Keep the faith.
A battle for peace
Inside of me
There's always a war.
Unless I can change
There's nothing to see.
Inside of me
This past year has been one of being stuck in a pattern that is difficult to get out of. It’s funny; a feeling of needing to move on yet the energy to do so isn’t there. Seems as if that energy is nonexistent. Staying stagnant, living off of days long ago but not moving forward. Another opportunity to move forward presents itself. I’ve got to take this chance and run with it to see where it leads. I have never been down this path before. Is it new light to show me the way? Fear.
When I was a boy everything seemed so wrong. Nothing lined up, nothing made sense. Bad timing. Fast forward to the present day where the same things are happening. The suns shadows look the same, the sound of a distant lawnmower brings up feelings that I never thought I would feel ever again. But they always come back. Thoughts constantly moving. Never know who is going to show up on certain days. The thought process is where the problem lies. Sat on the beach. Felt the heat, smelled the salt air and the definite smell of marijuana. There is no getting away from it. The smell of beer and pot brings up even more feelings on top of the others. Layer upon layer. Like an onion.
Picking up on meetings. That’s all I know how to do when it gets like this. Keeps me afloat. Keeps me out of danger. Keeps me out of the hospital. Impatient? After 4 f---ing years away from a drink and a drug? Impatient? I will face this alone. I have to. Nobody else can go through it. Nobody can really even help because it is what I need to go through. I like being alone. I got real good at it in the lost years. I grew back then. Even though it may not seem so, what I went through was what I needed to go through to get to where I am today. Kinda like getting kicked up the stairs. Ouch.
I say a prayer for the still suffering. I am grateful for the gift of sobriety. Things could be worse. Things have been worse. That is my perspective.
Thank you for letting me share. Keep the faith.
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