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Bipolar Depression - Help For Your Depression

Parochial Pinocchio

October 5th 2008 02:03
parochial pinnochio

Growing up, it was required for us to go to catechism. On Saturday mornings, my brother and I would walk to the corner and wait for the bus to come pick us up and bring us to the church.
I wasn’t too cool with school. I was terrified of kindergarten. Not because of the teachers, I was fearful of the social implications that school represented. So having to take a bus on Saturday mornings to go to a parochial school to learn about religion was traumatic for me. It is my theory that for some of us, catechism could eventually lead to alcoholism, or any of the other ism’s.

The bus was loud and there were kids that I didn’t know, nor did I wish to know. I had felt so unlike them. Not better, not worse, just not alike. They seemed mean. I was resentful because I thought that I was being pushed in a direction that I didn‘t want to go. I still experience that feeling to this day.
catechism.
da wheels on da bus go SPLAT


The bus driver was compassionate, and she saw that I was struggling to understand what the hell was going on. As the bus started to drive away I looked out the window at my house and I remember feeling overwhelmed by the piercing voices of the other kids that drowned out the rumbling engine of the bus. There are things that happen during the course of your life that sets you up for the way you perceive events, and situations.

There’s a cemetery right before the church, and whenever the bus would go by, the kids would sing “Pray for the dead and the dead will pray for you”.
pray for the dead






Big John came up to me today after the meeting to say hi. We call him big John because he is a BIG man. He is as tall as a building, and he is built for power. He is a great guy, yet he can rub you the wrong way if you are in any way insecure about yourself.
He was sincere in asking how I was feeling and for the very first time since I have known him, he seemed very relaxed and comfortable talking with me, and I felt comfortable talking with him.
We talked about the deaths in my family and how they have been long and drawn out. He listened intently as I told him about my loss.
He said that even though I had lost my brother, that it really wasn’t my loss: “No, he said, “This doesn’t have anything to do with you. Your loss? How do you think your brother feels?” ” How do you think your brother in law feels?” “They both lost their lives”. He asked me not to take it the wrong way but he suggested that I let the dead bury the dead.
The way he talked about death was very spiritual. He was in Vietnam and he certainly saw enough of it. We are only here in a time constraint. We are just spiritual beings in a physical body. When we die, we leave behind the shell, and the nut goes up to heaven (or to Cleveland or any other place you might believe)
He asked if they were good to me. I told him they were and they loved and accepted me for who I was. He smiled and said, “Then maybe that’s what you can do, love and except people”. Sometimes it is that simple.
So, I got to walk out into the midday sun and feel the wind and sun on my face. I felt the tears starting as I walked to my car. There is still that painful pit in my stomach, that heavy feeling deep down and in the middle of my head. But I also felt a wave of strength wash over me. This is really changing me. It is very painful, but there is a change.
I get to walk around today. Every day is a holiday,and every meal is a banquet.
Unlocking my car door, a school bus passed me. I stopped and watched it go by and started to sing:
Pray for the dead and the dead will pray for you.
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Posted By: jimmy james - Category: Bipolar Depression
   


1 Plus 2 Equilibrium

October 4th 2008 05:24
Standing at the counter in Staples, watching people making copies, walking through the aisles, buying office supplies. A very anxious looking middle aged guy was losing his patience with an older gentleman before him at the copy machine. Mr. anxious was zooming about, walking very fast as if he had more to do than anyone else. As I watched him zoom out the door like a duck that just snorted crystal meth, I turned to see a kind looking gentleman walking in. He was hurried, yet he had a calmness about him. As I watched him walk by, he said hello to the girl behind the counter, it was obvious he had been there numerous times. Gotta stop by Staples and get a few things done, say hi to Maria, Same time everyday, you know the drill. He had a leather organizer that was impeccably organized: I guess that’s why they call them organizers. A place for everything, and everything in its place. He was neat as a pin. I looked down at the two pages I had faxed and the ball point pen that I got from, uh, where did I get that pen? Oh yeah! It just turned up in my car and I’ve been using it for the past six months. It’s my car pen. It cannot leave the car. Damn, am I organized or what? I looked back at the calm gentleman. Now there’s a guy that you can call a gentleman. Cuz he’s gentle. I thought about how he came to be who he was. Obviously a lot of work.

a day in the life


I always feel less than when I am out and about in the world. I look at other folks and I feel as if I don’t live up. Even when I am on top of my game, feeling good about myself, moving in the right direction! Things are exciting! Things are happening, man!
Today, I had this silly sense of “Why Bother”? It just doesn’t seem to make any sense. I thought about 100 years from now if any of this “Stuff” we are doing is going to make any difference. When I get this feeling, it is usually followed by the story line that starts out with; I might as well just blow my freakin head off. Today was different. In fact, this feeling has been coming up alot. I am still an angry, frustrated, obnoxious, arrogant guy, but ya know what? I think I’m getter better.


I don’t make a hellava lot of money. There is a reason for that. I seemed to have carved out a little slice of the way I would like to live my life. I’ve been walking alot. Just a slow leisurely walk, just slinking down the road, real slow. So slow, that I sometimes lose my balance and trip over myself. The meds can cause me to lose balance every now and again, but I kind of like it when I lose my balance. It makes me laugh. It makes me realize and feel the wonderful fact that I am human. I am alive. It gives me gratitude that I am not hurrying about town like a duck on meth. My ducks aint all in a row either. I have all these papers under my bed. They have been there since I moved out of the basement I called home for 4 years. I still get things in the mail that I don’t know what to do with, so they end up there. The voice of Mr. “you gotta take care of this stuff” is always yelling at me whenever I put stuff there. Sometimes, he even throws it back at me, late at night when I am sleeping, I wake up and a letter is on the floor. I know how I am. It will be attended to when I find the time. It is getting close to that time of year where I just start doing all the things that I have been putting off. It doesn’t really make me feel any better about myself. No real feeling of accomplishment. I don’t think it really matters. Eventually, society will see to it that it will matter to me. You can’t just do nothing, you’ve got too much time on your hands. Either way, it’s going to wear me down. Sooner or later, the heart is going to break down. Let me decide how it’s all going to go down. If life is going to tear me to shreds like the rest of the scarecrows, I’ll go out the way I want. Well, somewhat.

scare
So, how long do we hafta stand here?


I like walking late at night. I mean reeeaal late. 1am-2am is the best time. It is a different world at that time. It’s as if everything stands still. It’s quiet, pretty, no pending doom around the corner, just silence. It frees up my mind. I can catch my breath. Such a wonderful feeling of peace, feeling centered. You are left there all alone with your own thoughts. That is your center. Nothing to judge, everything standing still. Like someone took a picture, and i'm walking along through the picture. So quiet. I'll bet that's the way it was when the dinosaurs were around. Everything just evolved. There was just evolution. The food chain. There was no money, no construction, no bullshit. They just naturally knew how to live. They probably had more respect for the earth than we do. It would be in much better shape if they had stayed.
gold
There's gold in them thar' hills!



I am working on taking all the compartments out of my life. This is Jim at work. This is Jim at home. This is Jim with the family. This is Jim with the people that he doesn’t feel comfortable with. This is Jim in the store. If I continue to live that way, I will die a slow and painful death. This is Jim. That’s it. What you see is it.
I worked 3 hours today. I kept myself busy doing busy stuff. That’s supposed to be healthy right? Busy stuff? I’m sure it helps to take my mind off of things, cuz after all, ya GOTTA do SOMETHING!


I also came to the realization that I still feel like a 10 year old child in a big bad world. Self esteem is so important. When I search for things like a job, money, school, stuff, validation from people to help build self esteem, I am selling myself short. The feeling of being less than is a scream from the person inside I never got to know, because to let that person out means to take a risk, a chance. Most people think taking a risk involves some sort of financial decision, but it is letting go of conforming. It is always confused with rebellion, because those that label it rebellion are conforming to something by denying who they really are. With all the studies that have been done on depression and psychology and all that stuff like that there, the answer is so simple. Just get to know yourself. Don’t deny yourself anything that society doesn’t want you to have.


But hey, this is a blog about depression. It is called “Help for your depression”. I am not a doctor. And for good reason! But if I were a doctor, I would be a damn good one. I would also be able to prescribe drugs but that is not the point.
I am not saying F- - -k you to the world. This isn’t a rant about lets kick the world in the face. This isn’t them or us, us against them. Life is full of so many wonderful things. I encourage you to go out and be curious. It’s just a way of starting to find peace. And that peace starts within.


That’s all folks.
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Self Sabotage

July 30th 2008 18:12
For Christy-Ann,

The pain of shooting myself in the foot isn’t as bad as the realization and regrets that I have for taking a beautiful relationship, and all the possibilities we had and smashing it to pieces. I now see the truth in the part I played, and it is too late to say I’m sorry. Even though my words and actions haven’t showed it, there will always be a place in my heart for you.




shot in the foot self sabotage


A while back, I was at a 12 step meeting and listened to an addict talking about staying away from crack cocaine. He had been clean for a short period of time and was sharing his thought process when he was craving the drug. He mentioned how the thought popped into his mind and he was unable to control it.The craving turned into an obsession and he started to plot how he would try and get money to support his habit. His mind raced through the possibilities so quickly, he started to get a queasy feeling in his stomach.The only way for him to obtain any money was to steal it, and then go to a dangerous neighborhood to score, a place where he once had a gun to his head from an angry dealer. He then was able to come to a conclusion that he wasn’t thinking right and he needed to call someone for support. He did call a friend in the program and he talked it out. That just may have saved his life. He said something that has stuck with me 16 years later: ‘My brain is out to kill me.”


It has always been a mystery how the mind works. In the case of substance abuse, it is very difficult to control the thoughts of using, which explains why the success rate is very low in addicts and alcoholics.This sort of thought process spills over into other areas in their life. Personal relationships are always a struggle because the thinking is often skewed, jumping to conclusions by perceiving things that aren’t there.This behavior is repeated over and over until the pain becomes so great, that a realization comes that it is their own thoughts and actions that often get them into situations (or out of relationships) that make their lives unmanageable.They are unable to see why things always go wrong and blame others for the negative outcome.Even though their intentions are good, they end up losing every time. Just like the realization that their drug of choice has ruined their life, they need to come to the same type of acceptance that their behavior is often dysfunctional. Pain is a great motivator; unfortunately they don’t realize it until the damage has been done.
It is very difficult to let things go. I always thought that it was impossible for me to come to terms with the words and actions of others. Those unreasonable thoughts are the main cause of my problems. When someone says something, my brain is moving so fast to try and figure out what is being said, it often processes the information in a negative way, causing a negative reaction that often pushes people away. Looking back in my life, I can see where this has caused me a great deal of pain. It is so difficult to admit that I have a thinking problem that has caused me a great deal of pain over the years. So many opportunities lost, so many relationships ruined to the point of no recourse, so much anger and resentment towards those that I have blamed, that were in fact innocent. So many people that had nothing but my best interest in mind were pushed away and hurt. The spiritual experience is the awareness that this is going on, as painful as it may be. It is like a slap in the face as the cold hard truth is finally revealed.
For me, there is always a situation that takes place that causes me to see these glaring behaviors, and it is all due to my thinking. Getting control of my thoughts that lead to my actions needs a major overhaul; otherwise I will repeat the same behavior again. The pain and guilt has become the turning point.
I guess it is a learning experience. Unfortunately, there is always a great deal of damage done to the people we care for the most. But in the end, we are the ones that suffer by self sabotage. I am tired of shooting myself in the foot.

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Obsession

July 29th 2008 17:15
obsession

Obsession can rule your life. It is probably among the top five behaviors, along with resentment, anger, fear, and pride that can be devastating. These emotions can be the primary cause of obsessive thoughts. Trying to chase a thought out that keeps playing over in your mind can be exhaustive. There are many ways to deal with obsession, but the only way these work is by constant vigilance.
There are those that claim that keeping busy, even with the most mundane tasks can help get your mind off the obsession. My experience has been both negative and positive with keeping busy. Work is a four letter word for me. I truly wish I was obsessed with some sort of “career”. I can’t relate to those that are workaholics. They are fortunate that they have found something to be passionate about, but it can also be a way of not dealing with painful feelings. The obsessions that I get are always very unhealthy and dangerous to my recovery. I was doing landscaping during a difficult time in my life, and one day my job was to weed a huge garden. Not only was it extremely hot that day, but it was the kind of mindless work that is great for letting those thoughts get way out of control. I felt as though I was in a prison of my own deep dark thoughts with no way out. I even experienced a few mild panic attacks and the only way I could deal with it was to take a break and go get a drink of water. I thought that taking a break would help clear my thoughts, but I realized that those thoughts followed me wherever I went. It’s the old saying that “No matter where you go, there you are“. There is no escape and everything you try seems to fail. Alcohol, cocaine, and weed were once old friends that I could count on to pull me through, but there came a point where even they let me down, in fact they made it worse by magnifying the thoughts 10 fold.
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Emotional Rescue

July 29th 2008 02:37
Emotions


During the course of a minute, my brain is processing so much information at lightening speed. It actually makes my head spin. It’s like four seasons in one day, especially if there is a lot going on in my life. Back in the 90’s, I was hospitalized four times in a three month period, all in the same facility. It was my home away from home. The staff used to have this group every afternoon that was designed to help patients cope with their illness by attempting to educate them. There we were, listening to a woman wearing cheap costume jewelry talk about how stress can cause depression. So, if stress causes depression, one would think that you need to cut out as much stress in your life. That isn’t always possible for some people. The key is realizing when the emotions are rising, and be aware that you are heading for a storm. Although back in 1996, that storm lasted for almost ten years and tore apart a perfectly good marriage. The main problem may be fighting these natural emotions. If you let those feelings and thoughts get the best of you, it can lead to a fall into a deep whole that you may never get out of. This is the point where the pain is so bad, that some actually take their lives. I have tried to take my life several times, none of which were successful: At least as far as I know.

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The cart before the horse

July 20th 2008 06:11


When somebody says something that is hurtful, it is very easy to lash out at them and try to make them feel the same way they made you feel. It is as if the pain is so bad, there is no end, and there is no relief from lashing out. It seems like there is no where to go, but to feel the anger and resentment.
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You are what you is

July 7th 2008 16:45


It always baffled me how some people can go through the everyday mundane BS and get a sense of satisfaction from it. They are able to get up in the morning and do what they have to do. It is almost as though it drives them, the same thing over and over. It drives me too. It drives me F - - - - ing crazy. It wears me down. I know a guy that is retired and is all freaked out because he doesn't know what to do with himself during the day. He was in a line of work he really enjoyed and now he is lost. I offered to show him how to retire and do nothing (For a one time fee of course with monthly installments)

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Anger turned inside out

July 4th 2008 13:15
anger resentment rage


Anger can be a devastating emotion, especially to those that are in recovery from alcohol and or drugs. The fuel feeds the fire that can lead to actions that we may later regret. When it comes on, we feel the need to act out to relieve the conflict inside us. Most of the time we just lash out expecting to feel better, almost like a knee-jerk reaction to things that twist us up. The most dangerous part of anger is resentment. Resentments are like anger over and over again, reliving the anger, playing it over in our heads like a broken record, nothing seems to make it stop. That is where the anger can turn to rage. Talk about devastation. Some of us can actually go into blackouts from the rage. It seems to come out of nowhere because the next thing we know, we are acting out on those deep dark thoughts that roll around in our head. I am sure we have all heard that depression is anger turned inward, that may or may not be true. Most of the time, anger is brought on by fear. A fear of facing something that we don’t want to face, or a fear of not knowing where we are going in our lives, economic insecurity, growing up, they are all driven by fear. Not being in control and not knowing what is going to happen next can terrorize us. It is very easy to say to someone that is going through a great deal of anger, “let it go, why are you holding on to this? Don’t let it get the best of you”. And then something happens to us and we realize that we should follow our own advice. Whenever I hear somebody talking about their anger, I listen very close to what they are saying and I always find that I can relate to them in so many ways. You‘re experiences are your own. I never tell someone to get over his or her resentments for numerous reasons. First, it does not really help anyone, I know it never helped me, and second, I do not want to get my teeth knocked out!
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Be conscious of the subconscious

July 1st 2008 03:01

Feelings come and they go. So do thoughts and emotions. This is something that we all fight with, those days when our thoughts are moving a mile a minute. There isn’t a remedy to stop these thoughts. They are constantly moving and flowing like water. The problem lies in trying to stop the thought process. Our minds are always moving, even when we sleep. There have been all kinds of research on what the brain is processing when we are sleeping. One conclusion that some psychologists have come to is the brain can’t understand what is going on when we are sleeping, so it just processes abstract information. That explains why our dreams are sometimes like a Stephen King movie.
The subconscious is a funny thing. It can only remember events as they first happened. In other words, when we think of something that occurred 20 years ago, it can still be as painful as if it just happened. The subconscious has no past, present, or future. Giving into all the events going on in our subconscious mind can easily feed the fire of anger, resentment, and fear that always leads into a depression. It is very easy to fall into that trap. We sometimes hear the phrase “Getting some closure” on something that was traumatic in our lives. That phrase can be misinterpreted. It can give the delusion that we will someday wake up and rise from our bed and never, ever be weighed down by those horrible memories again. What really happens over the course of time ( in my own personal experience) is an acceptance of what happened by coming to realize that the thoughts are always going to be there, but they don’t stay as long and they don’t have the weight they once had. There are things that pop up in my mind during the course of a day that I thought I had already dealt with, and it can make me laugh to think how I can still be steaming mad about something somebody said to me 25 years ago. That is the subconscious mind. It still thinks it is 25 years ago.
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The lemmings are coming to getcha!

June 19th 2008 20:51
There are days when you don't even want to face the world. It is much safer in bed, away from all the other humans that are just waiting to take shots at you. I don't find the rat race much of a challenge. There are some that do.In fact, they thrive on it. They get off on the fact that there are others that are suffering. They like to stomp the life out of them with their greed, and their "Go get em" attitude. I sometimes wish I had that kind of fight in me. I wish my mindset was that simple.

lemmings depression work
We're Coming to getcha!

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Bipolar Affective Disorder

June 14th 2008 01:28


Manic depression captures my soul.
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The Medication Maze (LINK)

June 3rd 2008 05:53
Medications can be a touchy subject.There is always the risk of side effects that seem to make you wonder if you really feel bad enough to go through the painful period of starting a new med,getting used to it,then realizing it isn't right for you,so you have to come off of it.Then you are prescribed another medication and you have to go through all that again.That's at least 8 weeks of pure volcanic hell.After a while you get to feel as though you got hit upside the head with a sledge hammer.I like to use the anology of a boxer getting knocked to his knees,then as he gains his balance and attempts to fight again,he is hit again.It is just like being on a therapeutic dose and having another attack of the depression so what happens? The medication level gets raised and you get knocked to your knees again.


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Bipolar Medications & Women

December 15th 2006 18:37
Mood-stabilizing medications have been linked with women's reproductive problems. They can actually put a woman at risk for infertility, diabetes, heart disease and cancer of the uterus. Thankfully these can be treated with medications. However, lithium and other bipolar medications should never be taken by pregnant women. Pregnancy itself can actually stabilize someone who is bipolar.

Later on in life, women's homrones will fluxuate because of menopause. Symptoms will usually increase during this time. Therapy may be helpful here along with a change in medications


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Posted By: Brenda Marie - Category: Bipolar Depression
   


Teenagers With Bipolar Disorder

December 14th 2006 18:32
The symptoms and treatment of bipolar disorder in older teenagers, are very much like those in adults. However, teenagers face a lot of distinct problems. They may resent the treatment that they have to undergo and so you will need to allow them to be part of any conversation about their treatment. In these conversations you should speak frankly about treatment options. This will help you to not develop an adversarial relationship with your teenager. Of course, these teenagers should also avoid alcohol and drugs since they can interact with the medications that they are taking or bring about mood swings.

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Posted By: Brenda Marie - Category: Bipolar Depression
   


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