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Battle For Peace

July 31st 2009 04:35
Lord don't let there be
A battle for peace
Inside of me
There's always a war.
Unless I can change
There's nothing to see.
Inside of me

This past year has been one of being stuck in a pattern that is difficult to get out of. It’s funny; a feeling of needing to move on yet the energy to do so isn’t there. Seems as if that energy is nonexistent. Staying stagnant, living off of days long ago but not moving forward. Another opportunity to move forward presents itself. I’ve got to take this chance and run with it to see where it leads. I have never been down this path before. Is it new light to show me the way? Fear.


The dreams are so vivid, yet obscure enough to have only hazy memories. Are they speaking to me to get my attention? Now that I have given all my attention, where do I go from here? What I think it is might really not be. A self inflicted illusion. Carry on. When ever the thoughts drift off carry on and don’t look back.
When I was a boy everything seemed so wrong. Nothing lined up, nothing made sense. Bad timing. Fast forward to the present day where the same things are happening. The suns shadows look the same, the sound of a distant lawnmower brings up feelings that I never thought I would feel ever again. But they always come back. Thoughts constantly moving. Never know who is going to show up on certain days. The thought process is where the problem lies. Sat on the beach. Felt the heat, smelled the salt air and the definite smell of marijuana. There is no getting away from it. The smell of beer and pot brings up even more feelings on top of the others. Layer upon layer. Like an onion.

Sitting all alone with my head pounding. I wish the waves were bigger so they could drown out the pounding in my head. Feels as though I am invisible. I go through my daily routine and feel invisible. Pride.
Picking up on meetings. That’s all I know how to do when it gets like this. Keeps me afloat. Keeps me out of danger. Keeps me out of the hospital. Impatient? After 4 f---ing years away from a drink and a drug? Impatient? I will face this alone. I have to. Nobody else can go through it. Nobody can really even help because it is what I need to go through. I like being alone. I got real good at it in the lost years. I grew back then. Even though it may not seem so, what I went through was what I needed to go through to get to where I am today. Kinda like getting kicked up the stairs. Ouch.
I say a prayer for the still suffering. I am grateful for the gift of sobriety. Things could be worse. Things have been worse. That is my perspective.
Thank you for letting me share. Keep the faith.
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The cart before the horse

July 20th 2008 06:11


When somebody says something that is hurtful, it is very easy to lash out at them and try to make them feel the same way they made you feel. It is as if the pain is so bad, there is no end, and there is no relief from lashing out. It seems like there is no where to go, but to feel the anger and resentment.
There are quite a few alcoholics and addicts that can take this to extreme. Some hang onto a resentment for days, weeks, or even years. Relations with others are always strained, and frustration is the outcome that puts gas on the fire.
Relationships with the opposite sex are never complicated. There is always a misunderstanding that can give the illusion that the relationship is complicated. The main problem is always honesty. Too often, people never tell their partner what their needs are. That could be where the difficulty begins. On the other end, the inability to understand what is being communicated has the capability to blow things way out of proportion. A simple statement can be taken the wrong way, especially if there is fear and insecurity. It is difficult for those that are insecure and fearful to be in an intimate relationship. They hardly ever work out.
There are so many factors that come into play. The main factor being how we coped with things when we were younger. A few years of working on this can be of some help, but if good coping skills were not taught at a young age, it is brought into the adult life, and that’s where the same old problems keep resurfacing. Someone that has been in an unhealthy marriage for 20 years might want to take some time and take a good hard honest look at themselves. It is almost impossible for them to be capable of bringing anything but lonely, angry, and hurt feelings to a new relationship. It is unhealthy for both people involved. There is a reason why their marriage was doomed from the start, and that is because of a lack of soul searching. It is so easy to just scratch the surface of all this ugly stuff, and then get the feeling that we have gone far enough. That is just fear justifying the fact of not looking any further, it would be too painful.
If most of us put as much effort into working on ourselves as we do on our jobs and careers and material needs and desires, it would be interesting to see how that would work out.
Before I got sober, I went through a divorce and wasn’t in any kind of a relationship for almost 9 years. Even though I was still using, I learned quite a bit about myself. I learned it was a real good idea not to be in any kind of a relationship with the opposite sex.
Maybe we have the horse before the cart. What we think we need is passion, intimacy, and all that wonderful stuff that gives us a nice warm fuzzy feeling, when in fact what we need to do is to learn to love ourselves. We need time to develop ourselves to become who we were meant to be. It is essential to our future relations with all people, not just those of the opposite sex. After recently ending a three year up and down relationship, it is hard to look at the part I played in it coming to an end. It is going to be very painful to deal with the end of what I thought was the real thing. Three years is a long time to be with somebody, at least for me anyway. It was a learning experience. One door closes, another one opens, and you walk through a different person than when you walked in.
It is so easy to get caught up in all the twisted, tangled feelings and thoughts of a partnership with the opposite sex, especially if the foundation is built upon physical attraction and passion. With that kind of footing, honest needs can never be met, selfish and insecure feelings weaken any progress, and old behavior gets awakened. That’s when it is time to be alone and take an inventory of you and see where revisions need to be made. I have come to see that relationships aren’t complicated; it is me who makes them that way. Now I know what to stay away from, and what is good for me. That can be a life long process, but if another one like this comes along, I will see it coming and get out before damage is done.
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Anger turned inside out

July 4th 2008 13:15
anger resentment rage


Anger can be a devastating emotion, especially to those that are in recovery from alcohol and or drugs. The fuel feeds the fire that can lead to actions that we may later regret. When it comes on, we feel the need to act out to relieve the conflict inside us. Most of the time we just lash out expecting to feel better, almost like a knee-jerk reaction to things that twist us up. The most dangerous part of anger is resentment. Resentments are like anger over and over again, reliving the anger, playing it over in our heads like a broken record, nothing seems to make it stop. That is where the anger can turn to rage. Talk about devastation. Some of us can actually go into blackouts from the rage. It seems to come out of nowhere because the next thing we know, we are acting out on those deep dark thoughts that roll around in our head. I am sure we have all heard that depression is anger turned inward, that may or may not be true. Most of the time, anger is brought on by fear. A fear of facing something that we don’t want to face, or a fear of not knowing where we are going in our lives, economic insecurity, growing up, they are all driven by fear. Not being in control and not knowing what is going to happen next can terrorize us. It is very easy to say to someone that is going through a great deal of anger, “let it go, why are you holding on to this? Don’t let it get the best of you”. And then something happens to us and we realize that we should follow our own advice. Whenever I hear somebody talking about their anger, I listen very close to what they are saying and I always find that I can relate to them in so many ways. You‘re experiences are your own. I never tell someone to get over his or her resentments for numerous reasons. First, it does not really help anyone, I know it never helped me, and second, I do not want to get my teeth knocked out!
Road rage is a common occurrence. It is so easy to fall into that trap. There are so many stories where people have yanked drivers out of their cars and started to pound on them. That is untreated anger. That sort of behavior has a hefty price tag, because these days, it is assault and then you will have even bigger problems than your anger.
How do we deal with it? One thing that I have to work on is trying not to personalize things that people say or do. Yes, there are instances where people do mess with you, but the key is to be aware of the traps. Most of the time, people are not out to get us. You never know what people have gone through during the course of the day. Maybe they lost a job, or they had a fight with their spouse. They could have a parent that is dying or maybe they just had one of those days and WHAM! Some little thing, maybe a broken shoelace is enough to set them off. There are many ways to relieve anger and stress. Eat the right foods, exercise, talk to a friend about what pisses us off, but the main problem lies in nipping things in the bud. It can be healthy to let someone they are doing something wrong. Most people look the other way; the best thing to do is confront them, not in a hostile way, but in a way where you let them know that something aint right! Most of the time, if we keep this stuff to ourselves and not mention anything, we run it repeatedly in our heads and the next thing we know we have a resentment. Those paralyzing resentments and raging anger are a huge part of depression. There were many things that happened to us at a young age that really tripped us up. We never learned how to process our emotions in a healthy way. It is like having a basement full of stuff that you do not know what to do with. It all piles up and we become overwhelmed. That could be where the awareness comes in and shows us that we are human, and we could just take one little corner of the cluttered basement and slowly, yet steadily clean out what we can.
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