jimmy jamesThe cart before the horse
July 20th 2008 06:11
When somebody says something that is hurtful, it is very easy to lash out at them and try to make them feel the same way they made you feel. It is as if the pain is so bad, there is no end, and there is no relief from lashing out. It seems like there is no where to go, but to feel the anger and resentment.
Relationships with the opposite sex are never complicated. There is always a misunderstanding that can give the illusion that the relationship is complicated. The main problem is always honesty. Too often, people never tell their partner what their needs are. That could be where the difficulty begins. On the other end, the inability to understand what is being communicated has the capability to blow things way out of proportion. A simple statement can be taken the wrong way, especially if there is fear and insecurity. It is difficult for those that are insecure and fearful to be in an intimate relationship. They hardly ever work out.
There are so many factors that come into play. The main factor being how we coped with things when we were younger. A few years of working on this can be of some help, but if good coping skills were not taught at a young age, it is brought into the adult life, and that’s where the same old problems keep resurfacing. Someone that has been in an unhealthy marriage for 20 years might want to take some time and take a good hard honest look at themselves. It is almost impossible for them to be capable of bringing anything but lonely, angry, and hurt feelings to a new relationship. It is unhealthy for both people involved. There is a reason why their marriage was doomed from the start, and that is because of a lack of soul searching. It is so easy to just scratch the surface of all this ugly stuff, and then get the feeling that we have gone far enough. That is just fear justifying the fact of not looking any further, it would be too painful.
Before I got sober, I went through a divorce and wasn’t in any kind of a relationship for almost 9 years. Even though I was still using, I learned quite a bit about myself. I learned it was a real good idea not to be in any kind of a relationship with the opposite sex.
Maybe we have the horse before the cart. What we think we need is passion, intimacy, and all that wonderful stuff that gives us a nice warm fuzzy feeling, when in fact what we need to do is to learn to love ourselves. We need time to develop ourselves to become who we were meant to be. It is essential to our future relations with all people, not just those of the opposite sex. After recently ending a three year up and down relationship, it is hard to look at the part I played in it coming to an end. It is going to be very painful to deal with the end of what I thought was the real thing. Three years is a long time to be with somebody, at least for me anyway. It was a learning experience. One door closes, another one opens, and you walk through a different person than when you walked in.
It is so easy to get caught up in all the twisted, tangled feelings and thoughts of a partnership with the opposite sex, especially if the foundation is built upon physical attraction and passion. With that kind of footing, honest needs can never be met, selfish and insecure feelings weaken any progress, and old behavior gets awakened. That’s when it is time to be alone and take an inventory of you and see where revisions need to be made. I have come to see that relationships aren’t complicated; it is me who makes them that way. Now I know what to stay away from, and what is good for me. That can be a life long process, but if another one like this comes along, I will see it coming and get out before damage is done.
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