jimmy james1 Plus 2 Equilibrium
October 4th 2008 05:24
Standing at the counter in Staples, watching people making copies, walking through the aisles, buying office supplies. A very anxious looking middle aged guy was losing his patience with an older gentleman before him at the copy machine. Mr. anxious was zooming about, walking very fast as if he had more to do than anyone else. As I watched him zoom out the door like a duck that just snorted crystal meth, I turned to see a kind looking gentleman walking in. He was hurried, yet he had a calmness about him. As I watched him walk by, he said hello to the girl behind the counter, it was obvious he had been there numerous times. Gotta stop by Staples and get a few things done, say hi to Maria, Same time everyday, you know the drill. He had a leather organizer that was impeccably organized: I guess that’s why they call them organizers. A place for everything, and everything in its place. He was neat as a pin. I looked down at the two pages I had faxed and the ball point pen that I got from, uh, where did I get that pen? Oh yeah! It just turned up in my car and I’ve been using it for the past six months. It’s my car pen. It cannot leave the car. Damn, am I organized or what? I looked back at the calm gentleman. Now there’s a guy that you can call a gentleman. Cuz he’s gentle. I thought about how he came to be who he was. Obviously a lot of work.
I always feel less than when I am out and about in the world. I look at other folks and I feel as if I don’t live up. Even when I am on top of my game, feeling good about myself, moving in the right direction! Things are exciting! Things are happening, man!
Today, I had this silly sense of “Why Bother”? It just doesn’t seem to make any sense. I thought about 100 years from now if any of this “Stuff” we are doing is going to make any difference. When I get this feeling, it is usually followed by the story line that starts out with; I might as well just blow my freakin head off. Today was different. In fact, this feeling has been coming up alot. I am still an angry, frustrated, obnoxious, arrogant guy, but ya know what? I think I’m getter better.
I don’t make a hellava lot of money. There is a reason for that. I seemed to have carved out a little slice of the way I would like to live my life. I’ve been walking alot. Just a slow leisurely walk, just slinking down the road, real slow. So slow, that I sometimes lose my balance and trip over myself. The meds can cause me to lose balance every now and again, but I kind of like it when I lose my balance. It makes me laugh. It makes me realize and feel the wonderful fact that I am human. I am alive. It gives me gratitude that I am not hurrying about town like a duck on meth. My ducks aint all in a row either. I have all these papers under my bed. They have been there since I moved out of the basement I called home for 4 years. I still get things in the mail that I don’t know what to do with, so they end up there. The voice of Mr. “you gotta take care of this stuff” is always yelling at me whenever I put stuff there. Sometimes, he even throws it back at me, late at night when I am sleeping, I wake up and a letter is on the floor. I know how I am. It will be attended to when I find the time. It is getting close to that time of year where I just start doing all the things that I have been putting off. It doesn’t really make me feel any better about myself. No real feeling of accomplishment. I don’t think it really matters. Eventually, society will see to it that it will matter to me. You can’t just do nothing, you’ve got too much time on your hands. Either way, it’s going to wear me down. Sooner or later, the heart is going to break down. Let me decide how it’s all going to go down. If life is going to tear me to shreds like the rest of the scarecrows, I’ll go out the way I want. Well, somewhat.
I like walking late at night. I mean reeeaal late. 1am-2am is the best time. It is a different world at that time. It’s as if everything stands still. It’s quiet, pretty, no pending doom around the corner, just silence. It frees up my mind. I can catch my breath. Such a wonderful feeling of peace, feeling centered. You are left there all alone with your own thoughts. That is your center. Nothing to judge, everything standing still. Like someone took a picture, and i'm walking along through the picture. So quiet. I'll bet that's the way it was when the dinosaurs were around. Everything just evolved. There was just evolution. The food chain. There was no money, no construction, no bullshit. They just naturally knew how to live. They probably had more respect for the earth than we do. It would be in much better shape if they had stayed.
I am working on taking all the compartments out of my life. This is Jim at work. This is Jim at home. This is Jim with the family. This is Jim with the people that he doesn’t feel comfortable with. This is Jim in the store. If I continue to live that way, I will die a slow and painful death. This is Jim. That’s it. What you see is it.
I worked 3 hours today. I kept myself busy doing busy stuff. That’s supposed to be healthy right? Busy stuff? I’m sure it helps to take my mind off of things, cuz after all, ya GOTTA do SOMETHING!
I also came to the realization that I still feel like a 10 year old child in a big bad world. Self esteem is so important. When I search for things like a job, money, school, stuff, validation from people to help build self esteem, I am selling myself short. The feeling of being less than is a scream from the person inside I never got to know, because to let that person out means to take a risk, a chance. Most people think taking a risk involves some sort of financial decision, but it is letting go of conforming. It is always confused with rebellion, because those that label it rebellion are conforming to something by denying who they really are. With all the studies that have been done on depression and psychology and all that stuff like that there, the answer is so simple. Just get to know yourself. Don’t deny yourself anything that society doesn’t want you to have.
But hey, this is a blog about depression. It is called “Help for your depression”. I am not a doctor. And for good reason! But if I were a doctor, I would be a damn good one. I would also be able to prescribe drugs but that is not the point.
I am not saying F- - -k you to the world. This isn’t a rant about lets kick the world in the face. This isn’t them or us, us against them. Life is full of so many wonderful things. I encourage you to go out and be curious. It’s just a way of starting to find peace. And that peace starts within.
That’s all folks.
a day in the life
I always feel less than when I am out and about in the world. I look at other folks and I feel as if I don’t live up. Even when I am on top of my game, feeling good about myself, moving in the right direction! Things are exciting! Things are happening, man!
I don’t make a hellava lot of money. There is a reason for that. I seemed to have carved out a little slice of the way I would like to live my life. I’ve been walking alot. Just a slow leisurely walk, just slinking down the road, real slow. So slow, that I sometimes lose my balance and trip over myself. The meds can cause me to lose balance every now and again, but I kind of like it when I lose my balance. It makes me laugh. It makes me realize and feel the wonderful fact that I am human. I am alive. It gives me gratitude that I am not hurrying about town like a duck on meth. My ducks aint all in a row either. I have all these papers under my bed. They have been there since I moved out of the basement I called home for 4 years. I still get things in the mail that I don’t know what to do with, so they end up there. The voice of Mr. “you gotta take care of this stuff” is always yelling at me whenever I put stuff there. Sometimes, he even throws it back at me, late at night when I am sleeping, I wake up and a letter is on the floor. I know how I am. It will be attended to when I find the time. It is getting close to that time of year where I just start doing all the things that I have been putting off. It doesn’t really make me feel any better about myself. No real feeling of accomplishment. I don’t think it really matters. Eventually, society will see to it that it will matter to me. You can’t just do nothing, you’ve got too much time on your hands. Either way, it’s going to wear me down. Sooner or later, the heart is going to break down. Let me decide how it’s all going to go down. If life is going to tear me to shreds like the rest of the scarecrows, I’ll go out the way I want. Well, somewhat.
So, how long do we hafta stand here?
I like walking late at night. I mean reeeaal late. 1am-2am is the best time. It is a different world at that time. It’s as if everything stands still. It’s quiet, pretty, no pending doom around the corner, just silence. It frees up my mind. I can catch my breath. Such a wonderful feeling of peace, feeling centered. You are left there all alone with your own thoughts. That is your center. Nothing to judge, everything standing still. Like someone took a picture, and i'm walking along through the picture. So quiet. I'll bet that's the way it was when the dinosaurs were around. Everything just evolved. There was just evolution. The food chain. There was no money, no construction, no bullshit. They just naturally knew how to live. They probably had more respect for the earth than we do. It would be in much better shape if they had stayed.
There's gold in them thar' hills!
I am working on taking all the compartments out of my life. This is Jim at work. This is Jim at home. This is Jim with the family. This is Jim with the people that he doesn’t feel comfortable with. This is Jim in the store. If I continue to live that way, I will die a slow and painful death. This is Jim. That’s it. What you see is it.
I worked 3 hours today. I kept myself busy doing busy stuff. That’s supposed to be healthy right? Busy stuff? I’m sure it helps to take my mind off of things, cuz after all, ya GOTTA do SOMETHING!
I also came to the realization that I still feel like a 10 year old child in a big bad world. Self esteem is so important. When I search for things like a job, money, school, stuff, validation from people to help build self esteem, I am selling myself short. The feeling of being less than is a scream from the person inside I never got to know, because to let that person out means to take a risk, a chance. Most people think taking a risk involves some sort of financial decision, but it is letting go of conforming. It is always confused with rebellion, because those that label it rebellion are conforming to something by denying who they really are. With all the studies that have been done on depression and psychology and all that stuff like that there, the answer is so simple. Just get to know yourself. Don’t deny yourself anything that society doesn’t want you to have.
But hey, this is a blog about depression. It is called “Help for your depression”. I am not a doctor. And for good reason! But if I were a doctor, I would be a damn good one. I would also be able to prescribe drugs but that is not the point.
I am not saying F- - -k you to the world. This isn’t a rant about lets kick the world in the face. This isn’t them or us, us against them. Life is full of so many wonderful things. I encourage you to go out and be curious. It’s just a way of starting to find peace. And that peace starts within.
That’s all folks.
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