jimmy jamesSelf Sabotage
July 30th 2008 18:12
For Christy-Ann,
The pain of shooting myself in the foot isn’t as bad as the realization and regrets that I have for taking a beautiful relationship, and all the possibilities we had and smashing it to pieces. I now see the truth in the part I played, and it is too late to say I’m sorry. Even though my words and actions haven’t showed it, there will always be a place in my heart for you.
The pain of shooting myself in the foot isn’t as bad as the realization and regrets that I have for taking a beautiful relationship, and all the possibilities we had and smashing it to pieces. I now see the truth in the part I played, and it is too late to say I’m sorry. Even though my words and actions haven’t showed it, there will always be a place in my heart for you.
A while back, I was at a 12 step meeting and listened to an addict talking about staying away from crack cocaine. He had been clean for a short period of time and was sharing his thought process when he was craving the drug. He mentioned how the thought popped into his mind and he was unable to control it.The craving turned into an obsession and he started to plot how he would try and get money to support his habit. His mind raced through the possibilities so quickly, he started to get a queasy feeling in his stomach.The only way for him to obtain any money was to steal it, and then go to a dangerous neighborhood to score, a place where he once had a gun to his head from an angry dealer. He then was able to come to a conclusion that he wasn’t thinking right and he needed to call someone for support. He did call a friend in the program and he talked it out. That just may have saved his life. He said something that has stuck with me 16 years later: ‘My brain is out to kill me.”
It has always been a mystery how the mind works. In the case of substance abuse, it is very difficult to control the thoughts of using, which explains why the success rate is very low in addicts and alcoholics.This sort of thought process spills over into other areas in their life. Personal relationships are always a struggle because the thinking is often skewed, jumping to conclusions by perceiving things that aren’t there.This behavior is repeated over and over until the pain becomes so great, that a realization comes that it is their own thoughts and actions that often get them into situations (or out of relationships) that make their lives unmanageable.They are unable to see why things always go wrong and blame others for the negative outcome.Even though their intentions are good, they end up losing every time. Just like the realization that their drug of choice has ruined their life, they need to come to the same type of acceptance that their behavior is often dysfunctional. Pain is a great motivator; unfortunately they don’t realize it until the damage has been done.
It is very difficult to let things go. I always thought that it was impossible for me to come to terms with the words and actions of others. Those unreasonable thoughts are the main cause of my problems. When someone says something, my brain is moving so fast to try and figure out what is being said, it often processes the information in a negative way, causing a negative reaction that often pushes people away. Looking back in my life, I can see where this has caused me a great deal of pain. It is so difficult to admit that I have a thinking problem that has caused me a great deal of pain over the years. So many opportunities lost, so many relationships ruined to the point of no recourse, so much anger and resentment towards those that I have blamed, that were in fact innocent. So many people that had nothing but my best interest in mind were pushed away and hurt. The spiritual experience is the awareness that this is going on, as painful as it may be. It is like a slap in the face as the cold hard truth is finally revealed.
For me, there is always a situation that takes place that causes me to see these glaring behaviors, and it is all due to my thinking. Getting control of my thoughts that lead to my actions needs a major overhaul; otherwise I will repeat the same behavior again. The pain and guilt has become the turning point.
I guess it is a learning experience. Unfortunately, there is always a great deal of damage done to the people we care for the most. But in the end, we are the ones that suffer by self sabotage. I am tired of shooting myself in the foot.
It has always been a mystery how the mind works. In the case of substance abuse, it is very difficult to control the thoughts of using, which explains why the success rate is very low in addicts and alcoholics.This sort of thought process spills over into other areas in their life. Personal relationships are always a struggle because the thinking is often skewed, jumping to conclusions by perceiving things that aren’t there.This behavior is repeated over and over until the pain becomes so great, that a realization comes that it is their own thoughts and actions that often get them into situations (or out of relationships) that make their lives unmanageable.They are unable to see why things always go wrong and blame others for the negative outcome.Even though their intentions are good, they end up losing every time. Just like the realization that their drug of choice has ruined their life, they need to come to the same type of acceptance that their behavior is often dysfunctional. Pain is a great motivator; unfortunately they don’t realize it until the damage has been done.
It is very difficult to let things go. I always thought that it was impossible for me to come to terms with the words and actions of others. Those unreasonable thoughts are the main cause of my problems. When someone says something, my brain is moving so fast to try and figure out what is being said, it often processes the information in a negative way, causing a negative reaction that often pushes people away. Looking back in my life, I can see where this has caused me a great deal of pain. It is so difficult to admit that I have a thinking problem that has caused me a great deal of pain over the years. So many opportunities lost, so many relationships ruined to the point of no recourse, so much anger and resentment towards those that I have blamed, that were in fact innocent. So many people that had nothing but my best interest in mind were pushed away and hurt. The spiritual experience is the awareness that this is going on, as painful as it may be. It is like a slap in the face as the cold hard truth is finally revealed.
For me, there is always a situation that takes place that causes me to see these glaring behaviors, and it is all due to my thinking. Getting control of my thoughts that lead to my actions needs a major overhaul; otherwise I will repeat the same behavior again. The pain and guilt has become the turning point.
I guess it is a learning experience. Unfortunately, there is always a great deal of damage done to the people we care for the most. But in the end, we are the ones that suffer by self sabotage. I am tired of shooting myself in the foot.
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