jimmy jamesSad? I dont know
March 24th 2009 06:04
I don’t know about you but the past few days I have been waking up extremely depressed.
My head actually hurts and my body hurts as well. Maybe it is just some funky biological thing that is going around because everyone I know seems to be feeling the same way. Living here in wonderful beautiful New England we are blessed with four seasons and this winter seems as though it has lasted much longer than usual. We also have the daylight savings time thing going on that really twists up most folks body clocks. Then of course there is SAD.Seasonal affective disorder. Now I don’t know how this diagnosis came about, I am not a big advocate of doing research because it always comes up inconclusive. Even the most in depth, well funded research performed by the latest and the greatest psychologists and psychiatrists are often followed by the famous words: I Don’t Know?
Could it be that depression is seasonal? Makes sense. There's baseball season, football season, and depression season.
It could very well be that people who are diagnosed with SAD have always had some sort of depression but they never acknowledged it because it never became an issue with them until they began feeling the symptoms that would start to make their life a little difficult to manage. It could be that they always felt somewhat “down” but were able to plow through it. Personally, I’ve always felt depressed. I am what I like to call naturally depressed. There are those that claim that it is my negative thinking that makes me depressed. I agree. To a certain extent. The thing is, even while thinking positive, I still feel depressed at times. Guess it just sucks to be me.
WHOA IS ME
This probably is a bad time to talk about this condition because it is almost April and we already have more sunlight. But these are some hard times we are going through these days. Just going out and about in public can be a harrowing experience. People always looked so pissed off and miserable to me ever since I can remember, but when economic insecurity hits, people get real ugly. Depression can turn to anger and anger to rage and people just aint all that much fun to be around. Depression is anger turned inward. Negative thoughts can be lethal. If something doesn’t go our way we do whatever we can to make it so. When it still doesn’t go our way we try even harder and fight to the end. That is the key for me. To stop fighting.
When negative thoughts come, they often blindside us and we blackout and act and think the way we always did. As I grow older I have become very aware of what I am thinking and how much my thinking affects my feelings, and how those feelings grow to trigger even bigger thoughts of negativity. I used to think that I spiraled down into a depression, but what really happens is it builds up and grows bigger and snowballs into a huge glacier of twisted emotions and feelings that keep me paralyzed, sometimes for days or weeks or even months at a clip. This sort of thinking can really do damage and we are always the last to know. It’s not that we are doing anything wrong; it might not even be that there is anything wrong with us mentally or physically, yet it can lead into a full blown mental illness that can do some severe damage. The key is awareness. It is very difficult to attempt to sort out our feelings, thoughts, and emotions when we are medicated. Some feelings are going to hurt, and some of our emotions are going to be intense, and crazy racy thoughts will pop into our heads at times. We cant control it. But we can come to realize that this is the way it is supposed to be.
My doctor wanted me to go on another type of medication. She explained that there were practically no side effects, that’s what she said about the last medication I was on that caused me a great deal of anxiety. She came to the conclusion that I was the only one that had experienced that kind of side effect. I asked her if I could get some sort of gold star for this rare experience with this medication, because I gotta tell y’all, it really tipped my life over for a few months!
But the gold star is the experience itself. Perhaps the medication was what I needed to get me through. It is clear to me now that it was something I just had to go through and it has given me a different perspective on life. Because this is your life. Take it or leave it. It gets better if we let it!
Keep the faith
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