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Battle For Peace

July 31st 2009 04:35
Lord don't let there be
A battle for peace
Inside of me
There's always a war.
Unless I can change
There's nothing to see.
Inside of me

This past year has been one of being stuck in a pattern that is difficult to get out of. It’s funny; a feeling of needing to move on yet the energy to do so isn’t there. Seems as if that energy is nonexistent. Staying stagnant, living off of days long ago but not moving forward. Another opportunity to move forward presents itself. I’ve got to take this chance and run with it to see where it leads. I have never been down this path before. Is it new light to show me the way? Fear.


The dreams are so vivid, yet obscure enough to have only hazy memories. Are they speaking to me to get my attention? Now that I have given all my attention, where do I go from here? What I think it is might really not be. A self inflicted illusion. Carry on. When ever the thoughts drift off carry on and don’t look back.
When I was a boy everything seemed so wrong. Nothing lined up, nothing made sense. Bad timing. Fast forward to the present day where the same things are happening. The suns shadows look the same, the sound of a distant lawnmower brings up feelings that I never thought I would feel ever again. But they always come back. Thoughts constantly moving. Never know who is going to show up on certain days. The thought process is where the problem lies. Sat on the beach. Felt the heat, smelled the salt air and the definite smell of marijuana. There is no getting away from it. The smell of beer and pot brings up even more feelings on top of the others. Layer upon layer. Like an onion.

Sitting all alone with my head pounding. I wish the waves were bigger so they could drown out the pounding in my head. Feels as though I am invisible. I go through my daily routine and feel invisible. Pride.
Picking up on meetings. That’s all I know how to do when it gets like this. Keeps me afloat. Keeps me out of danger. Keeps me out of the hospital. Impatient? After 4 f---ing years away from a drink and a drug? Impatient? I will face this alone. I have to. Nobody else can go through it. Nobody can really even help because it is what I need to go through. I like being alone. I got real good at it in the lost years. I grew back then. Even though it may not seem so, what I went through was what I needed to go through to get to where I am today. Kinda like getting kicked up the stairs. Ouch.
I say a prayer for the still suffering. I am grateful for the gift of sobriety. Things could be worse. Things have been worse. That is my perspective.
Thank you for letting me share. Keep the faith.
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Obsession

July 29th 2008 17:15
obsession

Obsession can rule your life. It is probably among the top five behaviors, along with resentment, anger, fear, and pride that can be devastating. These emotions can be the primary cause of obsessive thoughts. Trying to chase a thought out that keeps playing over in your mind can be exhaustive. There are many ways to deal with obsession, but the only way these work is by constant vigilance.
There are those that claim that keeping busy, even with the most mundane tasks can help get your mind off the obsession. My experience has been both negative and positive with keeping busy. Work is a four letter word for me. I truly wish I was obsessed with some sort of “career”. I can’t relate to those that are workaholics. They are fortunate that they have found something to be passionate about, but it can also be a way of not dealing with painful feelings. The obsessions that I get are always very unhealthy and dangerous to my recovery. I was doing landscaping during a difficult time in my life, and one day my job was to weed a huge garden. Not only was it extremely hot that day, but it was the kind of mindless work that is great for letting those thoughts get way out of control. I felt as though I was in a prison of my own deep dark thoughts with no way out. I even experienced a few mild panic attacks and the only way I could deal with it was to take a break and go get a drink of water. I thought that taking a break would help clear my thoughts, but I realized that those thoughts followed me wherever I went. It’s the old saying that “No matter where you go, there you are“. There is no escape and everything you try seems to fail. Alcohol, cocaine, and weed were once old friends that I could count on to pull me through, but there came a point where even they let me down, in fact they made it worse by magnifying the thoughts 10 fold.
That’s where I came to the crossroads. I didn’t want to live, and I didn’t want to die. The choice of moving in the direction of living in the solution, or to continue down the road that leads to endless suffering, and eventually death.
Finding something that you like to do is very important. It helps by reminding you that you can become who you were always meant to be. Some folks find this by trying things that they never tried before. This is very empowering and can be the spark that you need to rise up and change your life and live it the way you want to.
Obsession can lead to another dangerous emotion such as jealousy. This is perhaps one feeling that is the most dangerous to us, and to others. It tortures us with the thoughts that are uncontrollable and difficult to identify until it passes. It sometimes seems as though we go through a blackout. These thoughts come to life by our imagination running wild. Some of the scenarios may not be true, and that is bad enough, but when they are true, it can lead to a rage. Certain relationships with the opposite sex can trigger these feelings almost instantly. Certain people can be toxic to us, and we need to identify who those people are and try and avoid them before it is too late. Otherwise, we end up falling for them and get hurt. Talk about falling into a huge pit of despair, heartache, rejection, sorrow, grief, anger, confusion, resentment, and self pity, a very potent cocktail ( Hee-Hee, I said cock!) That never has good results. These people may not be aware that what they say makes us crazy. On the other hand, revealing these feelings to them may cause them to play on it, especially if they are emotionally confused as well. Two sick people don’t make a well person.
Obsession can also take other forms. Gambling, sex, shopping, pornography, booze and drugs, just to name a few. It can seep into every part of our lives and make it unmanageable.
Like all feelings and thoughts that can hurt us, we need to be aware of the pitfalls. We need to be able to take control of our thoughts and not “fall asleep” and let our brain go on cruise control. Do whatever works for you. Just don’t give in to the feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. The results are never positive and we are the ones that always suffer.

Keep the faith
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The cart before the horse

July 20th 2008 06:11


When somebody says something that is hurtful, it is very easy to lash out at them and try to make them feel the same way they made you feel. It is as if the pain is so bad, there is no end, and there is no relief from lashing out. It seems like there is no where to go, but to feel the anger and resentment.
There are quite a few alcoholics and addicts that can take this to extreme. Some hang onto a resentment for days, weeks, or even years. Relations with others are always strained, and frustration is the outcome that puts gas on the fire.
Relationships with the opposite sex are never complicated. There is always a misunderstanding that can give the illusion that the relationship is complicated. The main problem is always honesty. Too often, people never tell their partner what their needs are. That could be where the difficulty begins. On the other end, the inability to understand what is being communicated has the capability to blow things way out of proportion. A simple statement can be taken the wrong way, especially if there is fear and insecurity. It is difficult for those that are insecure and fearful to be in an intimate relationship. They hardly ever work out.
There are so many factors that come into play. The main factor being how we coped with things when we were younger. A few years of working on this can be of some help, but if good coping skills were not taught at a young age, it is brought into the adult life, and that’s where the same old problems keep resurfacing. Someone that has been in an unhealthy marriage for 20 years might want to take some time and take a good hard honest look at themselves. It is almost impossible for them to be capable of bringing anything but lonely, angry, and hurt feelings to a new relationship. It is unhealthy for both people involved. There is a reason why their marriage was doomed from the start, and that is because of a lack of soul searching. It is so easy to just scratch the surface of all this ugly stuff, and then get the feeling that we have gone far enough. That is just fear justifying the fact of not looking any further, it would be too painful.
If most of us put as much effort into working on ourselves as we do on our jobs and careers and material needs and desires, it would be interesting to see how that would work out.
Before I got sober, I went through a divorce and wasn’t in any kind of a relationship for almost 9 years. Even though I was still using, I learned quite a bit about myself. I learned it was a real good idea not to be in any kind of a relationship with the opposite sex.
Maybe we have the horse before the cart. What we think we need is passion, intimacy, and all that wonderful stuff that gives us a nice warm fuzzy feeling, when in fact what we need to do is to learn to love ourselves. We need time to develop ourselves to become who we were meant to be. It is essential to our future relations with all people, not just those of the opposite sex. After recently ending a three year up and down relationship, it is hard to look at the part I played in it coming to an end. It is going to be very painful to deal with the end of what I thought was the real thing. Three years is a long time to be with somebody, at least for me anyway. It was a learning experience. One door closes, another one opens, and you walk through a different person than when you walked in.
It is so easy to get caught up in all the twisted, tangled feelings and thoughts of a partnership with the opposite sex, especially if the foundation is built upon physical attraction and passion. With that kind of footing, honest needs can never be met, selfish and insecure feelings weaken any progress, and old behavior gets awakened. That’s when it is time to be alone and take an inventory of you and see where revisions need to be made. I have come to see that relationships aren’t complicated; it is me who makes them that way. Now I know what to stay away from, and what is good for me. That can be a life long process, but if another one like this comes along, I will see it coming and get out before damage is done.
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You are what you is

July 7th 2008 16:45


It always baffled me how some people can go through the everyday mundane BS and get a sense of satisfaction from it. They are able to get up in the morning and do what they have to do. It is almost as though it drives them, the same thing over and over. It drives me too. It drives me F - - - - ing crazy. It wears me down. I know a guy that is retired and is all freaked out because he doesn't know what to do with himself during the day. He was in a line of work he really enjoyed and now he is lost. I offered to show him how to retire and do nothing (For a one time fee of course with monthly installments)

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Anger turned inside out

July 4th 2008 13:15
anger resentment rage


Anger can be a devastating emotion, especially to those that are in recovery from alcohol and or drugs. The fuel feeds the fire that can lead to actions that we may later regret. When it comes on, we feel the need to act out to relieve the conflict inside us. Most of the time we just lash out expecting to feel better, almost like a knee-jerk reaction to things that twist us up. The most dangerous part of anger is resentment. Resentments are like anger over and over again, reliving the anger, playing it over in our heads like a broken record, nothing seems to make it stop. That is where the anger can turn to rage. Talk about devastation. Some of us can actually go into blackouts from the rage. It seems to come out of nowhere because the next thing we know, we are acting out on those deep dark thoughts that roll around in our head. I am sure we have all heard that depression is anger turned inward, that may or may not be true. Most of the time, anger is brought on by fear. A fear of facing something that we don’t want to face, or a fear of not knowing where we are going in our lives, economic insecurity, growing up, they are all driven by fear. Not being in control and not knowing what is going to happen next can terrorize us. It is very easy to say to someone that is going through a great deal of anger, “let it go, why are you holding on to this? Don’t let it get the best of you”. And then something happens to us and we realize that we should follow our own advice. Whenever I hear somebody talking about their anger, I listen very close to what they are saying and I always find that I can relate to them in so many ways. You‘re experiences are your own. I never tell someone to get over his or her resentments for numerous reasons. First, it does not really help anyone, I know it never helped me, and second, I do not want to get my teeth knocked out!
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Stinking Thinking

June 24th 2008 19:12
Sometimes our thoughts consume us to the point where we don’t even realize that they are taking us to a place that only the subconscious knows. A place where time has stood still. We run these story lines through our head and things become bigger than life. The story runs in a negative direction and we can become delusional. That’s the way we can fool ourselves into thinking that things are a certain way. Because what you might think it is, it might really not be. That’s the game our thinking patterns play on us. And it always seems like we are the last to know. It is easy just to “sleep” and let our thinking go to places where no man has ever gone before. That is a very dangerous place to be, especially if you have depression or substance abuse. Negative thinking patterns are a normal human reaction, but it runs rampant in those that suffer from mental illness. It is a big part of the illness.
The term “Stinking Thinking” sounds real corny. It may bring back memories of the Saturday Night Live character, Stewart Smalley. Those that recall the silly self help character will remember his saying of, “Cause I am smart enough, good enough, and doggone it, people like me”!
Stinking thinking depression help thoughts

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