Read + Write + Report
Home | Start a blog | About Orble | FAQ | Sites | Writers | Advertise | My Orble | Login

Stress Symptoms of Depression - Help For Your Depression

1 Plus 2 Equilibrium

October 4th 2008 05:24
Standing at the counter in Staples, watching people making copies, walking through the aisles, buying office supplies. A very anxious looking middle aged guy was losing his patience with an older gentleman before him at the copy machine. Mr. anxious was zooming about, walking very fast as if he had more to do than anyone else. As I watched him zoom out the door like a duck that just snorted crystal meth, I turned to see a kind looking gentleman walking in. He was hurried, yet he had a calmness about him. As I watched him walk by, he said hello to the girl behind the counter, it was obvious he had been there numerous times. Gotta stop by Staples and get a few things done, say hi to Maria, Same time everyday, you know the drill. He had a leather organizer that was impeccably organized: I guess that’s why they call them organizers. A place for everything, and everything in its place. He was neat as a pin. I looked down at the two pages I had faxed and the ball point pen that I got from, uh, where did I get that pen? Oh yeah! It just turned up in my car and I’ve been using it for the past six months. It’s my car pen. It cannot leave the car. Damn, am I organized or what? I looked back at the calm gentleman. Now there’s a guy that you can call a gentleman. Cuz he’s gentle. I thought about how he came to be who he was. Obviously a lot of work.


a day in the life


I always feel less than when I am out and about in the world. I look at other folks and I feel as if I don’t live up. Even when I am on top of my game, feeling good about myself, moving in the right direction! Things are exciting! Things are happening, man!

Today, I had this silly sense of “Why Bother”? It just doesn’t seem to make any sense. I thought about 100 years from now if any of this “Stuff” we are doing is going to make any difference. When I get this feeling, it is usually followed by the story line that starts out with; I might as well just blow my freakin head off. Today was different. In fact, this feeling has been coming up alot. I am still an angry, frustrated, obnoxious, arrogant guy, but ya know what? I think I’m getter better.


I don’t make a hellava lot of money. There is a reason for that. I seemed to have carved out a little slice of the way I would like to live my life. I’ve been walking alot. Just a slow leisurely walk, just slinking down the road, real slow. So slow, that I sometimes lose my balance and trip over myself. The meds can cause me to lose balance every now and again, but I kind of like it when I lose my balance. It makes me laugh. It makes me realize and feel the wonderful fact that I am human. I am alive. It gives me gratitude that I am not hurrying about town like a duck on meth. My ducks aint all in a row either. I have all these papers under my bed. They have been there since I moved out of the basement I called home for 4 years. I still get things in the mail that I don’t know what to do with, so they end up there. The voice of Mr. “you gotta take care of this stuff” is always yelling at me whenever I put stuff there. Sometimes, he even throws it back at me, late at night when I am sleeping, I wake up and a letter is on the floor. I know how I am. It will be attended to when I find the time. It is getting close to that time of year where I just start doing all the things that I have been putting off. It doesn’t really make me feel any better about myself. No real feeling of accomplishment. I don’t think it really matters. Eventually, society will see to it that it will matter to me. You can’t just do nothing, you’ve got too much time on your hands. Either way, it’s going to wear me down. Sooner or later, the heart is going to break down. Let me decide how it’s all going to go down. If life is going to tear me to shreds like the rest of the scarecrows, I’ll go out the way I want. Well, somewhat.

scare
So, how long do we hafta stand here?


I like walking late at night. I mean reeeaal late. 1am-2am is the best time. It is a different world at that time. It’s as if everything stands still. It’s quiet, pretty, no pending doom around the corner, just silence. It frees up my mind. I can catch my breath. Such a wonderful feeling of peace, feeling centered. You are left there all alone with your own thoughts. That is your center. Nothing to judge, everything standing still. Like someone took a picture, and i'm walking along through the picture. So quiet. I'll bet that's the way it was when the dinosaurs were around. Everything just evolved. There was just evolution. The food chain. There was no money, no construction, no bullshit. They just naturally knew how to live. They probably had more respect for the earth than we do. It would be in much better shape if they had stayed.
gold
There's gold in them thar' hills!



I am working on taking all the compartments out of my life. This is Jim at work. This is Jim at home. This is Jim with the family. This is Jim with the people that he doesn’t feel comfortable with. This is Jim in the store. If I continue to live that way, I will die a slow and painful death. This is Jim. That’s it. What you see is it.
I worked 3 hours today. I kept myself busy doing busy stuff. That’s supposed to be healthy right? Busy stuff? I’m sure it helps to take my mind off of things, cuz after all, ya GOTTA do SOMETHING!


I also came to the realization that I still feel like a 10 year old child in a big bad world. Self esteem is so important. When I search for things like a job, money, school, stuff, validation from people to help build self esteem, I am selling myself short. The feeling of being less than is a scream from the person inside I never got to know, because to let that person out means to take a risk, a chance. Most people think taking a risk involves some sort of financial decision, but it is letting go of conforming. It is always confused with rebellion, because those that label it rebellion are conforming to something by denying who they really are. With all the studies that have been done on depression and psychology and all that stuff like that there, the answer is so simple. Just get to know yourself. Don’t deny yourself anything that society doesn’t want you to have.


But hey, this is a blog about depression. It is called “Help for your depression”. I am not a doctor. And for good reason! But if I were a doctor, I would be a damn good one. I would also be able to prescribe drugs but that is not the point.
I am not saying F- - -k you to the world. This isn’t a rant about lets kick the world in the face. This isn’t them or us, us against them. Life is full of so many wonderful things. I encourage you to go out and be curious. It’s just a way of starting to find peace. And that peace starts within.


That’s all folks.
33
Vote
Shared on
Add CommentsAdd Comments
[ Link ]
   


The cart before the horse

July 20th 2008 06:11


When somebody says something that is hurtful, it is very easy to lash out at them and try to make them feel the same way they made you feel. It is as if the pain is so bad, there is no end, and there is no relief from lashing out. It seems like there is no where to go, but to feel the anger and resentment.
There are quite a few alcoholics and addicts that can take this to extreme. Some hang onto a resentment for days, weeks, or even years. Relations with others are always strained, and frustration is the outcome that puts gas on the fire.
Relationships with the opposite sex are never complicated. There is always a misunderstanding that can give the illusion that the relationship is complicated. The main problem is always honesty. Too often, people never tell their partner what their needs are. That could be where the difficulty begins. On the other end, the inability to understand what is being communicated has the capability to blow things way out of proportion. A simple statement can be taken the wrong way, especially if there is fear and insecurity. It is difficult for those that are insecure and fearful to be in an intimate relationship. They hardly ever work out.
There are so many factors that come into play. The main factor being how we coped with things when we were younger. A few years of working on this can be of some help, but if good coping skills were not taught at a young age, it is brought into the adult life, and that’s where the same old problems keep resurfacing. Someone that has been in an unhealthy marriage for 20 years might want to take some time and take a good hard honest look at themselves. It is almost impossible for them to be capable of bringing anything but lonely, angry, and hurt feelings to a new relationship. It is unhealthy for both people involved. There is a reason why their marriage was doomed from the start, and that is because of a lack of soul searching. It is so easy to just scratch the surface of all this ugly stuff, and then get the feeling that we have gone far enough. That is just fear justifying the fact of not looking any further, it would be too painful.
If most of us put as much effort into working on ourselves as we do on our jobs and careers and material needs and desires, it would be interesting to see how that would work out.
Before I got sober, I went through a divorce and wasn’t in any kind of a relationship for almost 9 years. Even though I was still using, I learned quite a bit about myself. I learned it was a real good idea not to be in any kind of a relationship with the opposite sex.
Maybe we have the horse before the cart. What we think we need is passion, intimacy, and all that wonderful stuff that gives us a nice warm fuzzy feeling, when in fact what we need to do is to learn to love ourselves. We need time to develop ourselves to become who we were meant to be. It is essential to our future relations with all people, not just those of the opposite sex. After recently ending a three year up and down relationship, it is hard to look at the part I played in it coming to an end. It is going to be very painful to deal with the end of what I thought was the real thing. Three years is a long time to be with somebody, at least for me anyway. It was a learning experience. One door closes, another one opens, and you walk through a different person than when you walked in.
It is so easy to get caught up in all the twisted, tangled feelings and thoughts of a partnership with the opposite sex, especially if the foundation is built upon physical attraction and passion. With that kind of footing, honest needs can never be met, selfish and insecure feelings weaken any progress, and old behavior gets awakened. That’s when it is time to be alone and take an inventory of you and see where revisions need to be made. I have come to see that relationships aren’t complicated; it is me who makes them that way. Now I know what to stay away from, and what is good for me. That can be a life long process, but if another one like this comes along, I will see it coming and get out before damage is done.
50
Vote
Shared on
Add CommentsAdd Comments
[ Link ]
   


He aint heavy, he's my brother

July 14th 2008 19:55
my brother died


I lost my brother last week. The cause of death has yet to be determined. We may never know how he died. It was sudden and it came as a shock. A day later, my brother-in law died of a heart attack.
Life has a way of happening that changes you. I will never be the same person I was. There is such a hollow empty feeling inside, along with sorrow and sadness. Anger is mixed in there as well. I feel numb. It makes me think of the Pink Floyd song, “Comfortably Numb”. I hate to feel emotions. I never learned good coping skills to handle them. Killing the pain with drugs and booze provided a type of numbness that pushed all those feelings and emotions deep down and when they started to rise, I would drink and drug to keep them down deep so I wouldn’t have to feel them. After a few years, it was a lot of work to keep going. It became a full time job.
Maybe the reason why we get depressed is because we don’t want to feel things. We are fearful that those feelings will knock us down for good. We have no place to run so we spiral down into the depths of our feelings. Overwhelmed by them, we become over stimulated by everything. We shut down. I once had a counselor tell me that I won’t die from those feelings. I got so angry when she said that. I didn’t feel as though it was a very good thing to say to help me. But years later, I came to see that it is true. My resistance to all those feelings and emotions are what causes the pain, not so much the situation that awakens those emotions and brings them to life. They are like a huge monster that comes along and starts tearing down everything in sight.

godzilla smashing everything
Look! It's Godzilla


This is what it’s like. Some one close to me dies and I can’t understand the constant changing of emotions. That is the grief, the loneliness, the sorrow, the shock, the numbness. There is a school of thought in the world of psychology that breaks it down like this. First there are our thoughts which lead to our feelings that lead us to our behavior. That triangle is an easy way to understand what is going on with us. Yet, knowing what is going on doesn’t make things any easier. That sort of thinking is only an illusion based upon our fear of not wanting to feel.
There are things that happen in which there is no explanation. All will be revealed in time I guess. These feelings are going to take different shapes and different forms over the course of time. It probably is true that we all deal with grief in our own way. But it needs to run it’s course. The only way out of it, is to go through it.
43
Vote
Shared on
Add CommentsAdd Comments
[ Link ]
   


Anger turned inside out

July 4th 2008 13:15
anger resentment rage


Anger can be a devastating emotion, especially to those that are in recovery from alcohol and or drugs. The fuel feeds the fire that can lead to actions that we may later regret. When it comes on, we feel the need to act out to relieve the conflict inside us. Most of the time we just lash out expecting to feel better, almost like a knee-jerk reaction to things that twist us up. The most dangerous part of anger is resentment. Resentments are like anger over and over again, reliving the anger, playing it over in our heads like a broken record, nothing seems to make it stop. That is where the anger can turn to rage. Talk about devastation. Some of us can actually go into blackouts from the rage. It seems to come out of nowhere because the next thing we know, we are acting out on those deep dark thoughts that roll around in our head. I am sure we have all heard that depression is anger turned inward, that may or may not be true. Most of the time, anger is brought on by fear. A fear of facing something that we don’t want to face, or a fear of not knowing where we are going in our lives, economic insecurity, growing up, they are all driven by fear. Not being in control and not knowing what is going to happen next can terrorize us. It is very easy to say to someone that is going through a great deal of anger, “let it go, why are you holding on to this? Don’t let it get the best of you”. And then something happens to us and we realize that we should follow our own advice. Whenever I hear somebody talking about their anger, I listen very close to what they are saying and I always find that I can relate to them in so many ways. You‘re experiences are your own. I never tell someone to get over his or her resentments for numerous reasons. First, it does not really help anyone, I know it never helped me, and second, I do not want to get my teeth knocked out!
[ Click here to read more ]
49
Vote
Shared on
Read MoreRead More Add CommentsAdd Comments
[ Link ]
   


Stinking Thinking

June 24th 2008 19:12
Sometimes our thoughts consume us to the point where we don’t even realize that they are taking us to a place that only the subconscious knows. A place where time has stood still. We run these story lines through our head and things become bigger than life. The story runs in a negative direction and we can become delusional. That’s the way we can fool ourselves into thinking that things are a certain way. Because what you might think it is, it might really not be. That’s the game our thinking patterns play on us. And it always seems like we are the last to know. It is easy just to “sleep” and let our thinking go to places where no man has ever gone before. That is a very dangerous place to be, especially if you have depression or substance abuse. Negative thinking patterns are a normal human reaction, but it runs rampant in those that suffer from mental illness. It is a big part of the illness.
The term “Stinking Thinking” sounds real corny. It may bring back memories of the Saturday Night Live character, Stewart Smalley. Those that recall the silly self help character will remember his saying of, “Cause I am smart enough, good enough, and doggone it, people like me”!
Stinking thinking depression help thoughts

[ Click here to read more ]
70
Vote
Shared on
Read MoreRead More Add CommentsAdd Comments
[ Link ]
   


The Medication Maze (LINK)

June 3rd 2008 05:53
Medications can be a touchy subject.There is always the risk of side effects that seem to make you wonder if you really feel bad enough to go through the painful period of starting a new med,getting used to it,then realizing it isn't right for you,so you have to come off of it.Then you are prescribed another medication and you have to go through all that again.That's at least 8 weeks of pure volcanic hell.After a while you get to feel as though you got hit upside the head with a sledge hammer.I like to use the anology of a boxer getting knocked to his knees,then as he gains his balance and attempts to fight again,he is hit again.It is just like being on a therapeutic dose and having another attack of the depression so what happens? The medication level gets raised and you get knocked to your knees again.


[ Click here to read more ]
50
Vote
Shared on
Read MoreRead More Add CommentsAdd Comments
[ Link ]
   




[ Help For Your Depression Home ] [ Create A New Post ]
Moderated by jimmy james
Copyright © 2006 2007 2008 On Topic Media PTY LTD. All Rights Reserved. Design by Vimu.com.
On Topic Media ZPages: Sydney |  Melbourne |  Brisbane |  London |  Birmingham |  Leeds     [ Advertise ] [ Contact Us ] [ Privacy Policy ]