A dear friend of mine just released a CD. The song "Which way to sanity" is my favorite. It is a great song that he recorded years ago, yet it is just coming out now .I guess there is a time and a place for everything. We have been talking the past week and it is scary how our lives cross paths. We come in and out. Usually when things are bad, he calls. It is always good to hear from a great friend, especially when I can get to his sense of humor that brings out my sense of humor and we end up rolling on the floor laughing.
Like most of us, he has been through the emotional ringer. These days, I have been asking the same thing. Which way to sanity?
I am not going to get into my own tales of woe, but: WOE!
Loss is a horrible thing to have to endure. The whirlwind of emotions have taken over and I do not know which way is up, let alone which way to sanity. Life does that, ya know?

When people come in and out of my life, I never know what purpose they serve until later on. The perspective is always hindsight. There are people that come and go. I wish that some of those people did not have to go. To say that I miss them does not even come close to what I am feeling. I cannot help but feel like there is not any ground underneath me.

I recently broke up with a woman with whom I had a three-year relationship. During the three years, I began to learn a lot about myself. Things about me that I needed to work on. As time went on, it was difficult to notice any improvement, although she would point out the improvements that I had made.

Back in 1999, I got divorced. Even though the pain was not that bad initially, I did not want to take any chances of any feelings getting the best of me so I did what I do best and drank it all down. I made sure that those emotions would stay deep down and continued to do what I had to do. It lasted over six years, and it took a great deal of work to maintain. I felt as though I was working on a chain gang and if it was not for my brother flying me out to San Diego to stay with him a few weeks, I do not think I would have survived. This week I had the same feeling, to call Rob and tell him my tales of woe, and to ask him if it is o.k. if I come out for a few days. He once told me that I always have a home in California. The minute I thought of calling him I felt that knife slice my heart when I came back to reality and remembered he died in July. No ground. No safety net. I thought of all those nights working with my brother-in-law, when we would close the store and sit and talk. I thought about talking to him but he also died in July. No ground underneath.

Christy and I had a rocky relationship at times. But now that she is gone, I keep myself from falling to pieces by thinking of what was lacking in the relationship. The details are not important. The important part is my inability to let it be. I wanted to be with her all the time. She once told me that I am in so much pain, that she was the only one that could relieve that pain. I sometimes wonder if that is true, or if I really love her. In addition, that love was built on a connection that grew so strong that I did not know how to handle it. I was scared that it would not last. It was not going the way I wanted. It fell out of my hands and slipped away. I held on too tightly and smothered it, instead of just holding it lightly, letting it go where it needed. I thought I would never cry over a woman. However, I did. It would come out and last a short while, but it was from deep down inside, a different set of emotions then the grief I am feeling for my brother and brother-in-law so in a sense, I am able to sort out the grief and the emotions of a broken heart. I would walk for well over an hour the past 10 days every night. Late at night so I would not be distracted. After a few days, I started to feel as though it was going away, that I gotten through the hardest part. All that was left was to begin the healing process. I started to dream about her the next two nights. This morning, I awoke with a feeling I have never experienced. A heavy, foggy feeling inside. I started to cry, this time out of control. It hurt so badly. I miss her so badly. I miss the connection. It has been so hard the past few months to figure out what I have been feeling. Then again, it really does not matter because putting a label on them does not make it any easier to deal with. It appears as though nothing makes sense anymore. I just hope that by going through the deaths, and the broken heart will eventually guide me to sanity. Out all the rehabs, hospital stays, suicide attempts, drinking and drugging on and off for well over 30 years, the near death surgery, the feelings and emotions I am experiencing now, are just as bad, but in a different way. It cannot possibly get any worse than this.

BTW, check out a few of the songs on Solins CD.
Strawberry wine is a song that I co-wrote with him. I play drums and piano on it. Keep bugging him to put it back in the rotation: Follow the link solin1.com Thanx for the support
Keep the faith