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Balancing Act

July 14th 2010 18:56

recovery substance abuse
home-work-co-workers-play-hobbies-meetings-family-relationships

A friend of mine that I have known for many years was kind enough to tell me that as long as he has known me; my life has been out of balance. He commented that it seemed I was always "Chasing" after something.

Now this came from a good guy, I always value his suggestions, and there is in fact a great deal of truth to what he said.
Balance. If you are "in the rooms" you will sometimes hear this as a topic for discussion. And if you have been around long enough you probably have been given some unsolicited advice from someone that can see your life clearly, yet is still very blind to their own lives. Typical recovering drunk telling you what’s wrong with your life while his has been way outta control for quite sometime. Oh well. Enough about that rant.
Balance is something that is constantly elusive even for those folks that do not have depression and or substance abuse issues.
Our lives are always out of control in some areas. I know that when I was drinking and drugging, I paid no mind to balance in my life. I suppose I drank enough booze to balance out the cocaine that I snorted and the pot that I smoked.
The thing about balance is this: there will never come a time where everything in your life is in balance. There are always areas in our lives that need our attention. When things are good at work, things may be dysfunctional at home. You get the idea.


If you drank and drugged or had severe depression or bipolar, or for those of us that are most fortunate to have both, we cared little about balance. Now that we are getting sober, we realize that life can get very messy sometimes. But that is just the way life is. We often tried to escape this fact by doing what we do best! Drink it down to wash it all away!
That’s something that you don't hear very often in the rooms. Life gets very
messy and there aint nuthin y'all can do about it except accept it! If you aint gettin down and dirty, you aint livin life!
So my dear friend was right. I am always chasing something. However, I am right where I am supposed to be. I did not want to tell him that from my perspective, his life was waaaaaay outta control. It is funny how we are able to see our own faults very clearly through others. That is just the nature of the beast.

That’s all for now...........Keep the faith



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Balancing Act

July 14th 2010 18:53
A friend of mine that I have known for many years was kind enough to tell me that as long as he has known me, my life has been out of balance. He commented that it seemed I was always "Chasing" after something.
Now this came from a good guy, I always value his suggestions, and there is in fact a great deal of truth to what he said.
Balance. If you are "in the rooms" you will sometimes hear this as a topic for discussion. And if you have been around long enough you probably have been given some unsolicted advise from someone that can see your life clearly, yet is still very blind to their own lives. Typical recovering drunk telling you whats wrong with your life while his has been way outta control for quite sometime. Oh well. Enough about that rant.
Balance is something that is constantly elusive even for those folks that do not have depression and or substance abuse issues.
Our lives are always out of control in some areas. I know that when I was drinking and drugging, I paid no mind to balance in my life. I suppose I drank enough booze to balance out the cocaine that I snorted and the pot that I smoked.
The thing about balance is this: there will never come a time where everything in your life is in balance. There are always areas in our lives that need our attention. When things are good at work, things may be disfunctional at home. You get the idea.
If you drank and drugged or had severe depression or bipolar, or for those of us that are most fortunate to have both, we cared little about balance. Now that we are getting sober, we realize that life can get very messy sometimes. But that is just the way life is. We often tried to escape this fact by doing what we do best!
Thats something that you don't hear that often in the rooms. Life gets very messy and there aint nuthin y'all can do about it except accept it! If you aint gettin down and dirty, you aint livin life!
So my dear friend was right. I am always chasing something. However, I am right where I am supposed to be. I did not want to tell him that from my perspective, his life was waaaaaay outta control. It is funny how we are able to see our own faults very clearly through others. That is just the nature of the beast.

thats all for now...........Keep the faith


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Battle For Peace

July 31st 2009 04:35
Lord don't let there be
A battle for peace
Inside of me
There's always a war.
Unless I can change
There's nothing to see.
Inside of me

This past year has been one of being stuck in a pattern that is difficult to get out of. It’s funny; a feeling of needing to move on yet the energy to do so isn’t there. Seems as if that energy is nonexistent. Staying stagnant, living off of days long ago but not moving forward. Another opportunity to move forward presents itself. I’ve got to take this chance and run with it to see where it leads. I have never been down this path before. Is it new light to show me the way? Fear.

The dreams are so vivid, yet obscure enough to have only hazy memories. Are they speaking to me to get my attention? Now that I have given all my attention, where do I go from here? What I think it is might really not be. A self inflicted illusion. Carry on. When ever the thoughts drift off carry on and don’t look back.
When I was a boy everything seemed so wrong. Nothing lined up, nothing made sense. Bad timing. Fast forward to the present day where the same things are happening. The suns shadows look the same, the sound of a distant lawnmower brings up feelings that I never thought I would feel ever again. But they always come back. Thoughts constantly moving. Never know who is going to show up on certain days. The thought process is where the problem lies. Sat on the beach. Felt the heat, smelled the salt air and the definite smell of marijuana. There is no getting away from it. The smell of beer and pot brings up even more feelings on top of the others. Layer upon layer. Like an onion.
Sitting all alone with my head pounding. I wish the waves were bigger so they could drown out the pounding in my head. Feels as though I am invisible. I go through my daily routine and feel invisible. Pride.
Picking up on meetings. That’s all I know how to do when it gets like this. Keeps me afloat. Keeps me out of danger. Keeps me out of the hospital. Impatient? After 4 f---ing years away from a drink and a drug? Impatient? I will face this alone. I have to. Nobody else can go through it. Nobody can really even help because it is what I need to go through. I like being alone. I got real good at it in the lost years. I grew back then. Even though it may not seem so, what I went through was what I needed to go through to get to where I am today. Kinda like getting kicked up the stairs. Ouch.
I say a prayer for the still suffering. I am grateful for the gift of sobriety. Things could be worse. Things have been worse. That is my perspective.
Thank you for letting me share. Keep the faith.
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Obsession

July 29th 2008 17:15
obsession

Obsession can rule your life. It is probably among the top five behaviors, along with resentment, anger, fear, and pride that can be devastating. These emotions can be the primary cause of obsessive thoughts. Trying to chase a thought out that keeps playing over in your mind can be exhaustive. There are many ways to deal with obsession, but the only way these work is by constant vigilance.
There are those that claim that keeping busy, even with the most mundane tasks can help get your mind off the obsession. My experience has been both negative and positive with keeping busy. Work is a four letter word for me. I truly wish I was obsessed with some sort of “career”. I can’t relate to those that are workaholics. They are fortunate that they have found something to be passionate about, but it can also be a way of not dealing with painful feelings. The obsessions that I get are always very unhealthy and dangerous to my recovery. I was doing landscaping during a difficult time in my life, and one day my job was to weed a huge garden. Not only was it extremely hot that day, but it was the kind of mindless work that is great for letting those thoughts get way out of control. I felt as though I was in a prison of my own deep dark thoughts with no way out. I even experienced a few mild panic attacks and the only way I could deal with it was to take a break and go get a drink of water. I thought that taking a break would help clear my thoughts, but I realized that those thoughts followed me wherever I went. It’s the old saying that “No matter where you go, there you are“. There is no escape and everything you try seems to fail. Alcohol, cocaine, and weed were once old friends that I could count on to pull me through, but there came a point where even they let me down, in fact they made it worse by magnifying the thoughts 10 fold.
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You are what you is

July 7th 2008 16:45


It always baffled me how some people can go through the everyday mundane BS and get a sense of satisfaction from it. They are able to get up in the morning and do what they have to do. It is almost as though it drives them, the same thing over and over. It drives me too. It drives me F - - - - ing crazy. It wears me down. I know a guy that is retired and is all freaked out because he doesn't know what to do with himself during the day. He was in a line of work he really enjoyed and now he is lost. I offered to show him how to retire and do nothing (For a one time fee of course with monthly installments)

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Anger turned inside out

July 4th 2008 13:15
anger resentment rage


Anger can be a devastating emotion, especially to those that are in recovery from alcohol and or drugs. The fuel feeds the fire that can lead to actions that we may later regret. When it comes on, we feel the need to act out to relieve the conflict inside us. Most of the time we just lash out expecting to feel better, almost like a knee-jerk reaction to things that twist us up. The most dangerous part of anger is resentment. Resentments are like anger over and over again, reliving the anger, playing it over in our heads like a broken record, nothing seems to make it stop. That is where the anger can turn to rage. Talk about devastation. Some of us can actually go into blackouts from the rage. It seems to come out of nowhere because the next thing we know, we are acting out on those deep dark thoughts that roll around in our head. I am sure we have all heard that depression is anger turned inward, that may or may not be true. Most of the time, anger is brought on by fear. A fear of facing something that we don’t want to face, or a fear of not knowing where we are going in our lives, economic insecurity, growing up, they are all driven by fear. Not being in control and not knowing what is going to happen next can terrorize us. It is very easy to say to someone that is going through a great deal of anger, “let it go, why are you holding on to this? Don’t let it get the best of you”. And then something happens to us and we realize that we should follow our own advice. Whenever I hear somebody talking about their anger, I listen very close to what they are saying and I always find that I can relate to them in so many ways. You‘re experiences are your own. I never tell someone to get over his or her resentments for numerous reasons. First, it does not really help anyone, I know it never helped me, and second, I do not want to get my teeth knocked out!
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