jimmy jamesThe Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
November 10th 2011 03:25
:
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
Category: Symptoms of Depression
I go through these phases. The phase where things go good, everything seems to fall in place, life is light and easy, I am doin ok. People are nice and friendly, I can go through the day without worries. Then there is the other phase: Everything seems to be so heavy and wrong. Things just seem to take so long, a heavy burden just to go out and get freakin laundry detergent. Life just feels so hard and angry. There is like a big black cloud hanging around. But I guess life is like that. Ya gotta take the good with the bad. Kinda like the good, the bad, and the ugly. The last time I went through a major depression, it lasted from 1996 to 2005. Now THAT was some serious depression, or bipolar, or just an allergy to life. That is the way it felt and it didnt let up. I wasnt sure what was going on, only that I could not get out of it no matter what I did. Taking medication did not help because it was impossible to try and explain to a doctor what was going on. They would just look at me and scratch their heads and prescribe something. Nothing seemed to work. The only thing that gave me any kind of relief was alcohol and pot. Deep down I knew it was only making things worse, but it did give me relief, even if it was only for a short while. Life isnt a lot of fun when you feel like that. What I feel these days is a lot like I felt back then but the difference being it doesnt last as long. It could be because there has been a long period of sobriety, however it came on when there was a 5 year period of sobriety, and so instead of trying to figure it out, I just go with the flow. By the grace of God {or the grace of something} I am able to climb up and out.
I am afraid to mention it because I feel like I might jinx myself, but then again this doesnt have anything to do with magic or luck. It is just how life moves. It gives me a great perspective. Life moves in and out. Good and bad. Hot and cold, Wet and dry, well ok, you get the point right?
One thing to take note is anger. I went into road rage yesterday. Glad I didnt act out on what I wanted to do but for most folks, they just let it go. They just carry on without ever giving it a second thought. Some even say they feel better after the whole ordeal. I dont, in fact, I feel worse. I feel horrible because all these thoughts, feelings and emotions come crashing in. I keep on playing it over and over in my head. I feel an intense emotional hangover. That is what sucks is trying to let out the anger and rage and it only makes it worse. I dont know it really sucks to be me. I am getting used to that. Its no big whoop, just me being me.
And that is life being life. The saying now these days is, It is what it is. That means that we really cant understand what the hell is going on. What that means is what we just received is a dose of reality. Guess we just gotta take the good with the bad.
Everything changes. I dontt do well with change. I fight it. But The tides are always changing. I notice that a lot cuz I live right near the beach. One day as I was walking I noticed that it was low tide. But it looked as though the tide was REAL low! I never saw the tide that low before and I stopped and looked for a few minutes and I thought, wow, That is real low, but it is gonna come back right? The low tide will change into the incoming tide to high tide right? Then the thought occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, the tide was not going to come back. It was just going to be low tide from now on. Forever. I started to laugh as I began to walk away and I felt as though everything was right where it was supposed to be. At that particular moment, everything was where it was meant to be. I realized that the walk made me feel better, the salt air was good for my head, and that I was changing too.
That is life I guess.
Thats all for now
Be well
And that is life being life. The saying now these days is, It is what it is. That means that we really cant understand what the hell is going on. What that means is what we just received is a dose of reality. Guess we just gotta take the good with the bad.
Everything changes. I dontt do well with change. I fight it. But The tides are always changing. I notice that a lot cuz I live right near the beach. One day as I was walking I noticed that it was low tide. But it looked as though the tide was REAL low! I never saw the tide that low before and I stopped and looked for a few minutes and I thought, wow, That is real low, but it is gonna come back right? The low tide will change into the incoming tide to high tide right? Then the thought occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, the tide was not going to come back. It was just going to be low tide from now on. Forever. I started to laugh as I began to walk away and I felt as though everything was right where it was supposed to be. At that particular moment, everything was where it was meant to be. I realized that the walk made me feel better, the salt air was good for my head, and that I was changing too.
That is life I guess.
Thats all for now
Be well
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